Got a burning love life q? Consult our Real Live College Guy (he also goes by Chase). Each month, our RLCG will take you inside the college guy’s brain to demystify your tricky, sticky, icky love (can you even call it that?) situations.
Ready? Here goes…
“I’ve liked this guy for a while now, and I even asked if he liked me but he said he just wanted to be friends. But, his parents think we’re dating and lately I think he’s been changing his mind, he flirts with me constantly and he is starting to prefer hanging out with me alone, no other friends. Is it possible that he is changing his mind? Should I try going for it again or just move on?” – Hopeless at Hopkins
Don’t ask him again. Since you’ve already come forward and asked him once before, the real burden now belongs to him. He knows how you feel (or felt), so let him come to you when/if his feelings for you have changed. However, there are a few things you can do to get it out of him without explicitly asking.
- Slip in a comment about some other guy asking you out. Alternatively, say that you are meeting a different guy for coffee to “catch up.” See how he reacts. Guys are freakishly possessive. Trust me, he is going to be concerned. A true guy friend will be disgusted at the mere mention of your love life. A “guy friend” who’s truly into you will fake interest and lock up. My current girlfriend got me on this one and it worked; she forced me to open up that night.
- Test for a Companion User (CU). CU’s are guys that secretly love female companionship as much as any girl, and they love having a close platonic lady friend whom they can flirt, cuddle, hang out, gossip, and complain with. This way, they gain many of the benefits of a relationship, while still being able to meet other girls and keep the options open. To test for a CU, ask him for a girlfriend-like favor. For instance, ask him to wake you up from an hour nap or early in the morning for work. If he accepts immediately, he likes you as more than just a friend. A CU, however, would decline or make up some reason to get out of it. This type of guy only wants the benefits of a platonic relationship without the commitment and annoying chores.
My advice, however, is to move on in your own mind. Treat him as a friend and nothing more. Trick even yourself into believing it. If he stops thinking you’d be an “easy” girl to get, he may begin to think he’s losing you. Once he’s worried, he’ll look at you in a different light. Often, a guy needs some urgency to make a move.
“It’s sometimes hard for me to tell if a hook-up was good or bad for the guy. What are some signs/ways to tell if it was good or bad for the guy? And if a hook-up is just mediocre or even bad, does a guy think that’s his fault or the girl’s fault? Does he attribute it to lack of chemistry between us or lack of ‘skill’ on one of our parts? What are things in a hook-up that will make him think I’m bad in bed?” -Insecure at Ithaca
All hookups are uniquely different, but I’ll breakdown some of the signs for the varying levels of hook-up responses from a guy.
- Bad Hook-up– Expect him to ask you to stop whatever it is you are doing so badly. If he’s feeling polite, he’ll likely tell you he’s tired or too drunk. If not, he’ll just leave. There won’t be any pillow talk, overnight, breakfast, or any call back. If it’s his fault and things ended too quickly, he’ll leave embarrassed. If it’s your fault and he is unsatisfied, he’ll leave to finish.
- Could Be Better Hook-Up – Expect a VERY early morning exit. Between 4-7am, he’ll probably find some reason to get out or get you out. This is under the assumption that it was good enough for him to even stay for a few hours. If the hook-up itself is slow and impassionate, it will probably end on this level. Typically, guys blame the girl at this level for not being passionate enough and making it too awkward. Without a sexual downpour from a female partner, it’s hard for most guys to get into the hook-up. Thus, guys will blame it on you.
- Straight Awesomeness – Expect Everything. Expect a morning wake up for more. Expect breakfast, pillow talk, a number, or at least a suggestion that “last night was amazing.” Guys have no problem expressing how they feel about an awesome hook-up. Of course, you’ll know if it was awesome. If you loved it and he finished, both of you shared a great experience.
Things that make a hook-up suck for guys:
- Girls just laying there— Every so often, a guy friend will complain that some girl they are hooking up with just doesn’t move or do any of the ‘work’. Get into it. As a wise coach once told me, “Fake it ‘til it’s real.”
- Not finishing him— I’m very serious. More than you can imagine, it is very important that you NOT do this.
- Awkward Set Up—When you get back to the house, don’t make it weird for him. Go over and kiss him right away. Don’t wait for the “perfect moment,” while sitting on a couch watching infomercials or talking about your plans for the future. You both know why you came back together. Just spare the awkward talk and get to it.
- Skipping out too fast— If you’ve managed to avoid the previous three items, he must have really enjoyed the experience so far. DON’T RUN AWAY. Guys want you to stay for a little at least and talk about what you both just shared together. The faster you run for whatever reason, the less he will remember the awesome hook-up and the more he will remember your exit.