We all need a little guidance now and then, so whether you’re stressed about a fling gone wrong, a recently wrecked relationship or how to handle a stage-five clinger, Real Live College Guy Dale is here to help you navigate the college dating scene.
At the beginning of the semester, I hooked up with a freshman and it turned into a steady “thing” for three weeks. He joked about me being only his, but we never actually decided on that or DTRed. He did, however, make sure to send me “goodnight/good morning beautiful” texts every day, and we had told each other we liked each other.
This past weekend, I was out of town, but he went to a party and my best friends saw him making out with a girl. They confronted him and he admitted getting caught. I returned the next night and ran into him at another party (with another girl), where I got to confront him. He said he didn’t want a girlfriend but felt that that’s where we were headed. He could hardly get a word out he was stuttering so much, and he was clearly upset. I told him that this was the time to choose: me, the girl he likes or the other girl that he told me he didn’t even like. He didn’t choose, so I walked away.
I’m at a loss as to what I should do. It’s a small campus, and we will run into each other daily. Am I the one overreacting since we never DTRed, or am I justified in being hurt by this? – Heartbroken at Hendrix
Hendrix,
If we were talking about me, I know I wouldn’t waste “good morning” texts on someone I didn’t actually like. This guy went out of his way to send you those kinds of messages, so I’d venture to argue that he did like you (“did” being the key word here).
You two were involved physically and emotionally on at least some level, so you were bound to develop feelings in some way even if you didn’t DTR.
Somewhere along the line, something pushed him to change his mind. I can’t say for certain what it was, but speaking from personal experience — because I’ve done the same thing, unfortunately — it was probably caused by some sudden realization. One example: I once had a massive crush on a huge party girl. That lifestyle didn’t mesh well with me, so I pulled back. I didn’t go out and start talking to someone new (let alone make out with her right away), but I didn’t really make a choice; I just kind of stopped talking to her in the hopes that she’d get the point.
I don’t think he meant to hurt you (a feeling you are justified for having, by the way), but I think he went about breaking things off the wrong way. Like, way the wrong way. If he didn’t want a girlfriend, he should have been upfront about it. I can understand why he wasn’t upfront, but that doesn’t make it okay.
You two never set the boundaries or defined anything, so while being hurt is understandable, I still think the two of you brought this on yourselves. Call it harsh, but if there aren’t set boundaries in any kind of relationship (friendship, romantic, whatever), then there are going to be hiccups. You have to make things clear.
You have every right to feel upset, but don’t stay upset. You’re going to run into him every now and then, and you should move on. He didn’t mean to hurt you, but his inability to make a decision ended up hurting you anyway. Eventually, I’m sure, someone will realize all you have to offer and make the decision to be with you and only you. Until then, take it in stride.