I’ve never had a one-night stand. At least not a full-blown one like they show you in the trashy college movies, where two kids who’ve never met get totally wasted and have hot, raunchy sex and then in the morning the girl stumbles home in her short skirt and high heels with smudged lipstick and puffy eyes, rocking a fresh head of sex hair while the guy sleeps ‘til noon. Nope, never been there. The closest I’ve come to that is going home with a guy, messing around a bit, making some super awkward small talk, and then sprinting to catch the bus home. Every serious sexual encounter I’ve had has turned into a relationship of some kind, and as a result, I’ve avoided the legendary one-night stand so far. But have I really done myself a favor by avoiding it? Or have I missed out on a key ingredient in the college experience? Is a one-night stand fun? Liberating? Is it something everyone should experience at least once? Or is it a painful regret that’s just not worth the walk of shame? These are things I, as well as many other girls, need to know! So I did some research, had some juicy NSFW conversations, heard stories of love, lust and heartbreak, and I got some sexy and not so sexy answers.
The (Sort Of) Success Story
Anne is a junior at Mount Holyoke College and a veteran of the dating scene in the Pioneer Valley of Massachusetts. Like most Mount Holyoke women, she learned in her first year that the Amherst men you meet at parties are generally not interested in being your boyfriend, or in some cases, even being nice to you. Yet, like many Mount Holyoke women, she manages to convince herself to give Amherst another shot every once in a while, and she’ll go to a party, meet a guy, give it a go, realize he’s a douche bag, and swear off Amherst men all over again.
Last October, Anne gave in again and allowed her friend to talk her into going to a party in one of the athletic social dorms. Once there, Anne immediately recognized more than half of the guys present as people who had either been jerks to her or jerks to friends of hers, so she grabbed a beer and retreated to the edge of the room with a friend, planning out her exit in her head. But then Nate appeared. He hadn’t been around much in the previous year because of a long distance relationship and a semester abroad. But he was tall, dark, and wearing boat shoes and all Anne’s reservations about Amherst guys immediately flew out of her head. Somehow they started talking, drank some more, and then the night was over, Anne was drunk, and Nate was heading back to Mount Holyoke with her. She couldn’t believe her luck.
“The sex was incredible,” she admits, and all conversation dropped when they stepped through the door to her room. But afterwards, lying awake in the dark, it wasn’t so amazing anymore. “It was awkward,” she remembers, grimacing yet laughing. “We like, didn’t talk. Oh, and he hogged the bed.” Nate spent the night and hung around for a bit the next morning, not picking up on any of Anne’s hints that he should get going. “He was wandering around the room looking at my stuff and commenting on it – I was like, I don’t even know you, don’t make jokes about my family photo.”
When he finally left, Anne walked him to the bus stop, where he promised to take her out to dinner. He didn’t, and they didn’t speak again. Anne says she would consider having another one-night stand again, but she’d let her past experiences help her choose the guy more carefully. “It was just so not worth it in the morning. He was hot, but he was a pig.” The worst part? “He left his underwear!”
Definitely not worthy of a repeat.
[pagebreak]
Can Women Really Keep Their Emotions in Check?
Anne is part of what I consider a rare breed of women. I’m talking about those ladies who can have sex and not feel at all emotionally attached afterwards. Lucky b**ches. If we were all like that, break-ups might not be quite so heart-wrenching. But the truth is, most of us have Cling issues, which is why one-night stands can be so difficult. According to Ian Kerner, Ph.D, sex therapist and relationship counselor, “In biological terms, the female orgasm releases a burst of oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone.” Basically, sex makes girls want to lie in bed with the guy for hours in a passionate embrace planning your lives together, but one-night-stand guys aren’t available to attach to. “If there’s no deeper emotional content or meaningfulness, orgasm becomes a regretful reminder of the hollowness of the sex that preceded it. This is called ‘post-orgasm regret,’ and it typically manifests itself in the form of sadness or anger, sometimes to the extreme,” warns Kerner.
The Stage Five Clinger
Sarah is a victim of the oxytocin effect. A Wellesley senior, she met Jason while out at a bar one Friday night. “I’d just broken up with my boyfriend, and I was feeling really crazy, like I needed to sow my wild oats or something,” says Sarah. Jason was playing bass in the band, he had tattoos, and he had hair that could rival Justin Bieber’s. “I just like, picked him out, and decided I was going home with him,” she laughs.
So she approached him at the bar, talked music for a few hours, and then grabbed him and kissed him. Moments later they were in a cab headed for his apartment. “Jason was sweet and funny, and it wasn’t awkward at all even though we weren’t close to being drunk.” They tumbled into bed and although Sarah says Jason wasn’t the best she’s ever had, it was exciting and new, and after over a year with one guy, it was refreshing. They did it twice: “The first time was crazy and uninhibited, but the second time was slower, sweeter, and I guess more emotional,” Sarah reflects. In that, she met her demise.
After, while they lay exhausted staring up at the ceiling, Sarah started to imagine what a relationship with Jason would be like, thinking about how great they were for each other, and all the mushy-gushy girl stuff we all tend to do. Unfortunately, Jason was thinking about how hungry he was. “I wanted to cuddle, he wanted a sandwich.” Sarah made the mistake of spending the night, convincing herself that they would cuddle and bond and realize what a perfect couple they were, but it didn’t play out like that. Instead, Jason flipped on South Park and promptly fell asleep.
He was already gone in the morning when Sarah woke up. She (desperately, she admits) tried to contact him afterwards, but after a few polite responses she got the hint. “I still just felt unhappy though. I wanted the comfort of my relationship with someone new and exciting and as beautiful as Jason, and that’s not what he was looking for. It was a lot like being rejected.”
Do Men Ever Want A Relationship After A One-Nighter?
This question is a toughie because it involves a lot of generalization. Generally, both women and men will not jump right into bed with someone they have serious intentions of getting involved with.Generally. Of course, in college, when hormones are raging and intoxicating waves of newfound freedom are flowing over us, people are more inclined to give in to their urges. But the fact remains that for both sexes, if one person is seriously attempting to woo the other, they won’t want to seem too pushy or too easy by sleeping together right off the bat, vouches AskMen.com. However, it does happen… occasionally. And just because the man wants a relationship doesn’t mean a relationship is going to happen. Dan, a UMass Amherst senior recalls spending a night with a girl he was really attracted to. “I texted her during the following week, but she clearly wasn’t feeling it. She was permanently busy, apparently.” Ouch, tough break, Dan. But it just goes to show, not every woman who sleeps with a man is looking to get something out of it other than a good time, contrary to popular belief.
[pagebreak]
The Not-So-One-Night Stand
For our last anecdote, we have one with an unlikely (yet happy) ending. Kelsey*, a student at Western New England College, was camping with a group of friends last fall when she was introduced to Jeff. They’d crossed paths before and had mutual friends, but the pair had never been introduced or spent time together in any setting. After a day of camping activities, everyone was hanging around the fire drinking, and Jeff and Kelsey got to talking, and they progressed from there. “There was definitely alcohol involved,” says Kelsey. “We ended up hooking up that night and then started hanging out after that.” Having mutual friends definitely helped Kelsey move past the initial awkwardness of spending the night together, and after hanging out for about a month with other people, she and Jeff started dating. “Since then we’ve been together, and that was over a year ago.”
Can Spontaneous Sex Become Real Love?
Obviously Kelsey’s story is the exception and not the rule when it comes to no-strings-attached sex. That is the whole point, after all: NO. STRINGS. ATTACHED. Ergo, no obligatory follow-up calls or texts, no expectation to see the person again, and definitely no resulting relationship. But as always, rules are meant to be broken and occasionally, it seems that a roll in the hay right off the bat can lead to a great relationship. Crazier things have happened! However, it is important that you do not expect anything to come of it if you decide to hop into bed with someone you just met, because odds are, it’s just a one time thing.
*Names have been changed.
Sources:
Survey data from 30+ college women across the country
http://wrapper.askmen.com/s?from=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.askmen.com%2Fdating%2Fplayer%2Fparis16.html&siteId=9549&size=entryinterstitial&cKey=382582015-3849075431290213959550&docTitle=One%20night%20stand%20-%20AskMen.com
http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/sex-tips-how-have-one-night-stand/page/2
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29282186/ns/today-relationships/