Valentine’s Day means a lot of different things to different people. For some, it is a holiday in celebration of love in our lives, and a time to show those we care about our affection for them. For others, it’s an excuse to binge-watch romantic comedies with our friends over cheap wine. And still, for some, Valentine’s Day has an overarching negative connotation. Whether you’re single, casually dating, or in a serious relationship, sometimes Valentine’s Day just gets you down.
It can be a reminder of love lost or absent from our lives, or can send us spiraling into an existential crisis about the meaning of love, if we have it now, or if we’ll ever find it. When it comes to love, lines are always blurry and there’s no clear, universal answer to the many questions the concept triggers. Not to mention, the popular culture focus on romantic love, soulmates, destiny, and other romance clichés can certainly isolate a large portion of the population. So, when you create a whole day centered around love, it’s no surprise that it can seem less like a cause for celebration and more like a reason to crawl under the covers.
“Occasionally, Valentine’s Day gets me down because the constant couple posts/Instagrams/Snapchat stories are an in-your-face reminder that you’re not sharing that day with that ‘special someone,’” explains Kat Mediavilla, a sophomore at Kansas State University.
Addie Donaher, a sophomore at the University of Notre Dame, agrees that social media and society as a whole can sometimes exaggerate the prominence of the holiday and make some people feel isolated.
“Literally every store has valentines deals and couples tend to make a big deal of the holiday on social media so it can make you feel really alone,” Addie says.
However, focusing on the grand romantic gestures that only happen in movies detracts from your present happiness, and from the actual reason behind Valentine’s Day. According to creator of Self Love Beauty blog and founder of the Beautiful Me campaign Lisa Thompson, Valentine’s Day can lose its significance if we limit our concept of love to only the romantic variety.
“Sometimes Valentine’s Day looks negative to people because there is a standard that this is a day for people only in relationships when, in reality, it is about love,” says Thompson.
At its core, it is a day about love—and if we’re lucky enough to have that strong human connection with anyone in our lives, from a parent, to a roommate, to a best friend, to a significant other, it deserves to be acknowledged.
If the very mention of Valentine’s Day brings you down in the dumps, it’s time to take charge of the holiday and celebrate on your own terms.
“[People who view Valentine’s Day negatively] can take control of the holiday and plan something or learn the why behind they are feeling down,” says Thompson. “More times than not, everyone just is down because they think they should be or because they are single… make the day something new to celebrate for yourself.”
Taking control can mean starting new holiday traditions with your friends and having a night out on the town, or a night in where your gang can exchange positive words of affirmation to empower one another.
“You could also use the day to show your friends how much you care for them by having a special girls’ night or just getting a little treat for those in your life who are close to you,” suggests Kat.
Or, you could take the time to write love notes to your family members you don’t talk to as often as you should. A surprise letter in the mail could brighten a grandparent’s or parent’s day more than you realize.
“Show kindness through giving whether that is through words, friendships or affirmations,” advises Thompson. “Everyone needs to hear it.”
Maybe the holiday dedicated to love is a perfect time to enact small acts of thoughtfulness that can go a long way.
“Spending time with friends and showing you love them or even like getting flowers for yourself as a form of self-love is a good way to celebrate it,” suggests Addie.
Valentine’s Day can be a celebration of these different forms of love in our lives, but also a time to show ourselves some love, too. It can be an introspective opportunity to examine if we are giving the same love to ourselves as we give everyone else in our lives. Think about your relationship with yourself, and if you find that there’s a serious deficit in self-esteem, Thompson advises to examine the root causes of our lack of self-love. Sometimes we flat out deprive ourselves of love, and maybe at other times we recognize our worth but do not do enough to care for ourselves.
“[People can] learn to understand why they don’t love themselves currently to start and build from there,” explains Thompson. “I truly think when you understand the why behind not loving yourself, you then know where to go from there. Spend time getting to know yourself.”
Not to mention, Valentine’s Day can be a great excuse to treat yo’self, in the words of the ever-inspiring Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec. Spoil yourself a little and splurge on that new makeup palette you’ve been eyeing for months, or take some “you” time at the nail salon.
“To make the day brighter, I like to treat myself to a special dinner or candy and pretend that I’m my own Valentine,” says Kat.
Valentine’s Day is a great time to celebrate you and all you have to offer. Showing yourself love enables you to show love to others and live your life more completely. It is more important than many realize, and it can be beneficial to designate Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to grow in love for everything you are, were and can be.
“Self-love is exactly that—love for yourself and when you have that I can honestly say so many other things come together,” says Thompson. “It isn’t easy…honestly not at all but it is really amazing when you start to believe in yourself.”
In the end, Valentine’s Day is really what you make of it. You can wallow in misery and mourn your singleness, you can ignore the holiday altogether, or you could use it as an excuse to spoil yourself and loved ones with a little extra love and attention.
“Valentine’s Day is a day about love so share it and don’t be negative toward the people that are in relationships,” says Thompson. “Let them enjoy it the way they want to and you enjoy it the way you can as well. It is all what you make of it!”
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a cause for spiraling into questioning if you’ll ever find love, or a cause for stress about defining the relationship with that repeated hookup, or a questioning time about how serious your current relationship is and where it is going. As a whole, the day is about love, and, as Hugh Grant so astutely points out in the modern classic movie Love Actually, “If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”