The 17 Stages of a Bad Blind Date

Blind dates are scary. At best, you could meet your soulmate and be able to say for the rest of your life that you met on a blind date. At worst, though, you could get stuck in hell for one or two hours, swearing that you'd rather pull off every hair on your body than stay on the date for another minute. Unfortunately, we feel like there are so many more negative blind date experiences than there are positive ones. Here's our take on the stages of the oh-so-common miserable blind date.

1. Before the date starts, you've got major butterflies in your stomach.

You're nervous, but excited. Nerv-cited. Totally.

2. As you're getting ready, you check with the friend that set you up that your date is right for you.

Not like you haven't already asked her three (seven) times.

3. You tell yourself repeatedly that this was a good idea.

New dude = New possibility for love. Let's be real, it's overdue.

4. You decide to meet him there rather than have him pick you up, becaue you're still a tiny bit paranoid that he's secretly a serial killer who will then know where you live.

(Sign #9385 that you've been watching way too much Law and Order: SVU.)

5. When you finally meet him, you realize how frightening it is that you're going to have to make conversation with a complete stranger for the next hour or two.

Do people still bring notecards on dates? If not, can we bring that back???

6. Five minutes in, you're already regretting it.

It hurts the worst when you realize you could be watching Netflix right now.

7. You two just aren't clicking, and everything that comes out of his mouth is worse than the last thing he said.

You're sure it can't get worse, but then...

8. He makes some offhand comment about how he's not a feminist because of [insert dumbest reason you have ever heard].

 

Aaaaand, you're officially done.

9. Your first move is to begin plotting a hundred different ways to kill the friend that set you up.

Seriously, what was she thinking?!

10. You don't waste time in ordering a second glass of wine.

*cough* Or a third.

11. Despite your efforts at changing the conversation to something less torturous, you two don't see eye-to-eye on anything.

You wonder if he feels as miserable as you do. And you hope he does, so that he'll eat fast.

12. Psych! He's the slowest eater alive.

Bonus points when he takes something off your plate without asking. Because that is so, so attractive. *rolls eyes*

13. By the time you've drained your third glass of wine, you contemplate just telling him how terrible of a time you're having.

Seriously, he deserves it.

14. You reconsider when he reaches to pay for the check...

At least you're not spending any money on this waste of a night.

15. ...But immediately want to tell him off when he reminds you that he's paying because he's "not a feminist."

Even the alcohol in your system doesn't prevent that comment from annoying you.

16. When he asks if you're doing anything later tonight, your eyes go wide and you rack your brain for the best excuse possible.

Hmm, what's better? Major test tomorrow or sudden flu symptoms?

17. You manage to get out alive - barely - and vow to never go on another blind date again.

Your biggest regret is that you didn't live tweet it.

Next time! Oh, wait.