If you haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey by now, chances are you have at least one gal pal who has. For those who don’t know about the Fifty Shades of Grey frenzy (and the upcoming movie!), it’s the much-talked about “love story” between all-too-naive college grad Anastasia Steele and her rich seducer: the dominant, debonair playboy Christian Grey. But is it the next great love story or just mommy porn? We thought we’d give this raunchy, romantic novel a peruse to bring you a rundown of the sexiest (and creepiest) as seen in Fifty Shades of Grey, including over 50 love do’s and don’ts!
1. Do get into the fantasy. That’s what Fifty Shades of Grey is really all about. Whether it’s sexy role-playing or that wild tip you got from Cosmo, sometimes it’s just fun to play pretend.
2. Don’t expect a real relationship from a guy who isn’t looking to be “tied down.” Plain and simple, this should be established between the two of you from the get-go, but Ana annoyingly fawns over Christian for the length of the book even when she can clearly see that he’s a player.
3. Don’t stay with a guy who has a sex dungeon in his house and wants you to sign a contract to be his sex slave in it. This sounds like the creepiest roommate ever. Seriously, you should run. Run far, far away.
4. If you do decide to use the dungeon, do have a safe word, at least.
5. Don’t sign yourself away. I can’t say this enough – you can’t sign over your sexual rights to a guy by legal contract, despite what Christian Grey might think. And besides, do you want to be his girlfriend or his employee?
6. Do set down the ground rules. We aren’t just referring to Christian Grey’s creepy sex contract when we say this. Still, the contract between Christian and Ana was all about limits, and this can apply to defining your relationship in general. They had “soft limits,” outlining things that Ana was (albeit, cautiously) willing to try and “hard limits,” outlining things that were off-limits, no discussion about it. You can make your own limits about exclusivity, expectations, and anything else that strikes your fancy.
7. Speaking of which, don’t trust a guy who wants to keep your relationship “under wraps.” I mean, why should you have a non-disclosure agreement on your relationship? Something to hide?
8. Do be playful with toys, if that’s your thing.
9. Don’t use a tampon as a sex toy. C’mon, that’s beyond gross.
10. Do listen to that inner voice. For the author, it’s your “inner goddess,” but whatever you want to call it, sometimes it knows more about what you really want than you do and you shouldn’t ignore that inner instinct. So listen up!
11. Don’t ignore his warning signals. If a guy warns you that he’s no good for you, then he’s most definitely no good for you. Consider that your big red flag.
12. Going off of that, don’t try to change him. Ana is being beyond naïve by thinking that she can magically melt Christian’s heart and make him into somebody he isn’t. If he’s a jerk, then he’s a jerk, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Isn’t that the first rule in relationships?
13. Do experiment. There’s never anything wrong with bringing a little spice to the boudoir! ;)
14. That being said, don’t do anything in bed that makes you uncomfortable just to please him (again, that contract was totally illegal).
15. Do tell your partner what you want.
16. Don’t be an all-too-submissive Anastasia Steele. Show us that backbone!
17. Don’t let him control you. Christian says she can’t snack between meals? Um, that’s a drop-dead deal breaker. You can’t love someone and at the same time tell her she isn’t allowed to be prone to the munchies.
18. Don’t let him buy his way to your heart. Being a hotshot tech mogul, Christian practically forces his lavish lifestyle on Ana – buying her everything from a brand-new Audi to a MacBook Pro. But doesn’t that make him sound like a sugar daddy more than a boyfriend? Awkward.
19. Do tell him how you feel. Ana and Christian don’t make any real progress in their relationship until she lets him know what she wants out of it.
20. Don’t put up with his extreme jealousy. There was more than one instance when Christian needed to cool it.
21. Do be careful about believing something that’s too good to be true. No one’s perfect, and if he is seemingly perfect, there must be a catch… like him being a creepy, borderline sex addict.
22. Don’t have a “red room of pain.” Unless you’re really into hardcore BDSM, this just sounds like a bad idea.
23. Do try one of these Grey-inspired moves… at least once.
24. Don’t base all of your self-confidence on a guy.
25. Don’t write off your guy friends as purely platonic. Let’s be honest, Jose would have been a much better choice for our Ana… plus he’s a photographer, and who doesn’t like the sensitive artsy type every once in a while?
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26. Do keep an open mind about your relationship, whether it’s in the bedroom or in your relationship in general. The more open your mind is, the better the experience.
27. Don’t underestimate the power of foreplay. In Christian’s words, don’t be so “vanilla.”
28. Do remember to negotiate. Anastasia is often very frustrating to Christian, as he is to her, but relationships are all about give and take.
29. Don’t mix business with pleasure. If you didn’t think their relationship could get more awkward (what with the sex contract and room of pain), Christian actually offers Ana an internship at his company. Can you say, ‘hostile workplace environment’?
30. Don’t deal with your relationship drama at work.
31. Do practice safe sex. Even wild-child Christian knows that with no glove, there’s no love.
32. Do believe it’s OK to have weird fetishes… just not what we already mentioned in number 9. Please.
33. Do see the beauty in yourself that he sees in you. Ana is constantly beating herself up over her looks, and having little to no confidence is anything but sexy. If you have self-worth, you’ll be teaching him to treat you with respect.
34. Do take notice of his bachelor pad – it can say a lot about him. One of the first things that Ana notices about Christian’s office building is that it’s cold. And what do you know? Christian turns out to be just that: cold, if not a total emotional train wreck. Surprise, surprise.
35. Do watch out for guys who are powermongers. That’s what Christian is most of the time – a power-hungry, self-absorbed control freak (he even admits it), and it’s not very sexy.
36. Do be wary of his confidentiality. Every guy wants his privacy and you don’t want to be known as “that” girlfriend who demands to know every thought the guy ever had, but the enigmatic CEO from Fifty Shades of Grey is almost sketchy with his privacy. It makes you wonder, what does he have to hide from you?
37. Do question things when they don’t feel right. Naturally, if you’re starting to think, “Is this love or do I need a restraining order for this guy?” it might be time to move on.
38. Don’t have serious conversations with your boy toy over email when you’re planning on seeing him in just a few hours (or ever, really). What is this, the ‘90s?
39. Don’t judge a book (or a guy) by the cover. Sure, Christian can be an egotistical maniac, but he also has a soft side (he has a whole security team devoted to protecting his family).
40. Don’t mistake his obsession for love. Out of all of the downright unhealthy dynamics between Ana and Christian, his need to know where she is at all times seems like one of the most detrimental to their relationship.
41. Don’t forget to wear panties when you’re meeting your boyfriend’s parents. This should be obvious, but apparently no one told Ana.
42. Don’t drunk-dial a guy who you’ve already decided is bad news. You’re at the club with your girls – live in the moment!
43. Do be careful of his emotional baggage. Christian says it himself: “I’m fifty shades of f***** up.” He has deep-rooted issues stemming back to his traumatic childhood that he refuses to deal with. If he can’t let anyone in, why would he let you in?
44. Do listen to what your friends have to say. Ana’s friends like her dark, handsome new boyfriend at first, but all that starts to change mid-book. Trust us when we say, your bestie will always have your back.
45. Do look for love in unexpected places. Who would have imagined that a fresh-out-of-college grad would be dating a successful, self-made billionaire and CEO? Ana never would have met Christian if it weren’t for her roommate forcing her to take her place for an interview with Grey. You might say it was fate, but we think it was a matter of taking a chance on something unexpected (and maybe a little bit of good luck).
46. Don’t overthink things. If you couldn’t already tell from her constant inner dialogue, Ana spends way too much time in her head. Instead, go with your instincts!
47. Do watch out for guys who are over-committed. You wouldn’t expect a 20-something self-made entrepreneur to have a wide open schedule, would you?
48. Don’t hide the major details of your relationship from friends. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of your relationship and if you can’t share the deets of your love life with even your roommate or bestie (Ana, take notes), then something isn’t right.
49. Don’t compare yourself to other couples. Ana is totally guilty of this and as it shows in the book. It’s a recipe for relationship disaster!
50. Do be careful when mixing pleasure and pain. This seems like the whole theme of the book, which makes sense for a romantic, more-than-borderline-pornographic erotica novel, right? But love itself can be a rollercoaster of emotions, usually mixing emotional pleasure and pain. Just make sure your experience is ultimately a positive one.