50 Lessons in Love from Fifty Shades of Grey

If you haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey by now, chances are you have at least one gal pal who has. For those who don’t know about the Fifty Shades of Grey frenzy (and the upcoming movie!), it’s the much-talked about “love story” between all-too-naive college grad Anastasia Steele and her rich seducer: the dominant, debonair playboy Christian Grey. But is it the next great love story or just mommy porn? We thought we’d give this raunchy, romantic novel a peruse to bring you a rundown of the sexiest (and creepiest) as seen in Fifty Shades of Grey, including over 50 love do’s and don’ts!
1. Do get into the fantasy. That’s what Fifty Shades of Grey is really all about. Whether it’s sexy role-playing or that wild tip you got from Cosmo, sometimes it’s just fun to play pretend.

2. Don't expect a real relationship from a guy who isn’t looking to be “tied down.” Plain and simple, this should be established between the two of you from the get-go, but Ana annoyingly fawns over Christian for the length of the book even when she can clearly see that he’s a player.

3. Don't stay with a guy who has a sex dungeon in his house and wants you to sign a contract to be his sex slave in it. This sounds like the creepiest roommate ever. Seriously, you should run. Run far, far away.

4. If you do decide to use the dungeon, do have a safe word, at least.

5. Don't sign yourself away. I can’t say this enough – you can’t sign over your sexual rights to a guy by legal contract, despite what Christian Grey might think. And besides, do you want to be his girlfriend or his employee?

6. Do set down the ground rules. We aren’t just referring to Christian Grey’s creepy sex contract when we say this. Still, the contract between Christian and Ana was all about limits, and this can apply to defining your relationship in general. They had “soft limits,” outlining things that Ana was (albeit, cautiously) willing to try and “hard limits,” outlining things that were off-limits, no discussion about it. You can make your own limits about exclusivity, expectations, and anything else that strikes your fancy.

7. Speaking of which, don't trust a guy who wants to keep your relationship “under wraps.” I mean, why should you have a non-disclosure agreement on your relationship? Something to hide?

8. Do be playful with toys, if that’s your thing.

9. Don’t use a tampon as a sex toy. C’mon, that’s beyond gross.

10. Do listen to that inner voice. For the author, it’s your “inner goddess,” but whatever you want to call it, sometimes it knows more about what you really want than you do and you shouldn’t ignore that inner instinct. So listen up!

11. Don’t ignore his warning signals. If a guy warns you that he’s no good for you, then he’s most definitely no good for you. Consider that your big red flag.

12. Going off of that, don’t try to change him. Ana is being beyond naïve by thinking that she can magically melt Christian’s heart and make him into somebody he isn’t. If he’s a jerk, then he’s a jerk, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Isn’t that the first rule in relationships?

13. Do experiment. There’s never anything wrong with bringing a little spice to the boudoir! ;)

14. That being said, don’t do anything in bed that makes you uncomfortable just to please him (again, that contract was totally illegal).

15. Do tell your partner what you want.

16. Don’t be an all-too-submissive Anastasia Steele. Show us that backbone!

17. Don’t let him control you. Christian says she can’t snack between meals? Um, that’s a drop-dead deal breaker. You can’t love someone and at the same time tell her she isn’t allowed to be prone to the munchies.

18. Don’t let him buy his way to your heart. Being a hotshot tech mogul, Christian practically forces his lavish lifestyle on Ana - buying her everything from a brand-new Audi to a MacBook Pro. But doesn’t that make him sound like a sugar daddy more than a boyfriend? Awkward.

19. Do tell him how you feel. Ana and Christian don't make any real progress in their relationship until she lets him know what she wants out of it.

20. Don’t put up with his extreme jealousy. There was more than one instance when Christian needed to cool it.

21. Do be careful about believing something that’s too good to be true. No one’s perfect, and if he is seemingly perfect, there must be a catch… like him being a creepy, borderline sex addict.

22. Don’t have a “red room of pain.” Unless you’re really into hardcore BDSM, this just sounds like a bad idea.

23. Do try one of these Grey-inspired moves… at least once.

24. Don’t base all of your self-confidence on a guy.

25. Don’t write off your guy friends as purely platonic. Let’s be honest, Jose would have been a much better choice for our Ana... plus he’s a photographer, and who doesn’t like the sensitive artsy type every once in a while?