Things have changed: time has passed and our feelings are different.
We had a good thing going. We were happy in our relationship and I couldn’t see an end in sight. But I guess that’s how life goes: when you’re high in the clouds you don’t see the bad stuff coming your way.
But it came and it conquered.
So we walked away. We ended things just as they seemed to be getting really good. Did I act too fast and not give it a second chance? Maybe. Would things have changed if you apologized? Perhaps. But the bottom line here is that there isn’t room for these questions anymore.
Because we both moved on. And we finally got to a good place again, but this time just as friends. I didn’t realize how much I missed having you in my life until we fixed our friendship. It’s a relief not to stress about our relationship but still have you so close.
But maybe you’re too close for comfort right now. Because now you’ve told me about her.
She seems nice and you’re obviously happy, but I would be lying to myself if I said I don’t still think about us.
I don’t think about us as much as I did when we first ended things though. A song would come on that reminded me of you; a memory was triggered by a damn TV show; seeing your name pop up on my phone simultaneously gave me stress and butterflies. With time, however, things became easier and I was okay when I thought about you.
Then we became friends again and it was okay to reminisce and laugh about things in our past. Because it was just that: the past. It wasn’t going to happen again because at the end of the day, you’re doing all those things we laugh about with another girl.
You’re cooking with her. You’re holding her at night. And you’re falling for her harder than you fell for me.
I thought I was okay with that. In fact, I thought I was happy with all this because just being your friend is way better. But I still miss you.
I know it’s selfish for me to want this, but I sometimes wish I was the one who found someone first so I wouldn’t miss you like I do now.
I know we weren’t meant for each other. We tried to make things work but some things you can’t always fix. Seeing you happy with her, seeing you sharing all these new moments with her, it’s a bittersweet feeling.
Sometimes I ask myself: was I just not good enough? What can I do so the next boy doesn’t leave me and find someone else?
But it wasn’t me. And it wasn’t you. We just couldn’t work.
So I write this letter to you, to the boy I still miss. I want you to know I am happy for you and I do hope things can work out between you and your new girl. I honestly can’t say that when I think about you, I don’t hurt. I’m hurt that you found it so hard to commit to our relationship, but with her it was so easy. I’m hurt that there’s another girl who you care about more than me.
But more than feeling hurt, I’m terrified that we won’t be friends again, that we’ll go back to not talking.
I’ll put in the effort if you do. Things can change between us but I will always be there for you.
All I ask is that you do the same for me.
- To the One I’ll Always Miss
- What I’ve Learned About Love… Sort of
- An Open Letter To My First Year Self