I woke up to warm weather and as I looked through my spring/summer clothes from last year, it happened. My shorts that were a little too big on me last year were now snug. Had it really happened? Had I actually gained weight my first year away at college? It was easy to maintain the weight off when I was commuting to and from campus, but being surrounded by multiple nearby restaurants within a five minute walking distance doesn’t help maintain my previous slimmer figure. As I stood there in front of my mirror looking at the one inch increase on my waist and hips I realized; I’m okay with this.
Yeah you might be saying “okay, one inch? No biggie right?! That’s totally not much!” And yeah, it’s not. But you have to understand that five years ago, that would have been a catastrophe to me.
It’s been a long healing process to go from my previous eating disorder to where I am now. To be okay with how my body looks and not be obsessed with stepping on the scale. In fact, it’s been almost a year since I last stepped on a scale. To say it’s been a long road is an understatement. It’s been a brutal and perilous journey between my weight and I, one where if I had stayed where I was I probably wouldn’t be alive right now. It was days of starving myself and nights throwing up the little that I ate, and eating under 500 calories a day and working out hours on end to try to burn over 700. It was countless excuses and being tired no matter how much sleep I got.
It was putting sticky notes all over my mirror telling myself that I was strong enough. And good enough. And worthy enough. It was trying to look at a piece of pizza and not thinking about the calories in it and instead just savoring the juicy, greasiness in it all. It was calling myself fabulous and actually believing in it, and friends lifting me up without asking them to do so.
So maybe my cheeks are a little chubbier and maybe my pants are a little snugger, but at least I am not letting society engrave the specific body type they want me to have. At least I am at a healthy mindset both mentally and physically because I can still walk to class and not be winded, just maybe a little more jiggly. And that’s okay.