My 2019 New Year's Resolution is to Have More Orgasms

New Year’s Resolutions: the highly ridiculed, heavily critiqued, and downright demonized traditions of lives in constant pursuit of improvement. The breath of fresh air of new beginnings awaits you December 31st of every year, or so they’ll tell you. Time for the gym, you’ll say. Time to leave toxic relationships, you’ll reassure yourself.  But I, on the other hand, have quite the unconventional New Year’s Resolution for 2019. Breaking news, this year is the year of more orgasms. I am fully committing myself to more sexual pleasure, more getting off, more me time, and less penis/ejaculation-centric sex. And what inspired this decision? Well, after playing the part of a man’s emotional support animal, on-call therapist, and masturbation tool, I decided that enough was enough. I had spent too much of my time absorbing the shock of surprisingly bad sex. I was being sexually disrespected, and worst of all, I was taking it lying down. I surrendered to these aggressively mediocre lovers, as if my worth as a woman depended on it, as if I owed hegemonic masculinity a faked orgasm. But surprise, I don’t, and no woman ever should.

So I made a little challenge for myself, like a juice cleanse, but a little bit more political, and surprisingly even more controversial. To start this year, I am taking an official break from men, but despite popular belief, this isn’t in the name of feminist man-hating, nor is it too rack on reads on an article online, this an official movement to reclaim my orgasm. And to effectively do so, I designed a 30 day self-implemented, self-policed yearly initiative, or resolution, if you will, directed towards sexually empowering myself. Though some might argue this challenge is possible to complete in the company of a daily dose of testosterone, to me, achieving this goal isn’t possible with a cis male body and a cis male orgasm clouding my vision. After all, this is 2019, ladies, sexual liberation doesn’t just come in the size “sleep with as many men as possible to prove hegemony cannot and will not slut shame me” any longer. Sexual liberation is about taking our sexuality into our own hands, pun most definitely intended. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned in my sexual career, is that straight cis men are certainly not equipped to educate me about my own body, my own sexuality, or my own pleasure.

Naturally, then, in this pursuit of sexual pleasure, instead of using men’s bodies as means of experimentation, I decided it’d be best if I eliminated the distraction in question all together. Think of it as a larger scale, somewhat bolder logic that one applies in attempts of using their phone less, when trying to study for a test (except the test is female sexuality, and the phone is a penis.) Revisiting the studying metaphor, this process, whether I like it or not is one that will require, yep, you guessed it: studying (and both hands-on and hands-off learning). Which leads me to goal number one…

  1. Immerse myself in the genius of The Clitorial Truth by Rebecca Chalker.

As I’ve advised everyone in my life time and time again, no one will be able to understand your anatomy or your pleasure, if you first, do not understand your own body and your own needs. Whether it’s masturbatory exploration, or some good ole’ fashioned pen to paper, hitting the books studying, if you are sexually active, educating yourself about your own anatomy is crucial first step, and The Clitorial Truth is a great place to start. Chalker will walk you through everything there is to know about masturbation, female ejaculation, and even the very elusive G-spot, bringing you one step closer to accepting your genitals wholeheartedly. Don’t let your internalized body shame consume you. Love your labia majora and minora, and give your clitoris the attention deserves. Of course this isn’t an overnight conversion. Embarrassingly, somehow even I, the author of a sex column, has avoided this necessary step of healthy sexual relationships—but I will be a hypocrite no longer. 2019: new year, new me.

  1. Actually give up sexual intercourse for 30 days, no matter how difficult it may seem.

To really understand your sexuality as a woman, you have to put your sexuality first. And whether we like it or not, a relationship will inevitably demand compromise, but reclaiming your orgasm is no time for compromise. This is some much needed you time—like self-care, orgasm edition. During this “detox,” is imperative for you to do some serious introspection, and yourself “how will you ever achieve that widely-coveted ‘fresh start,’ if you’re stuck in the rut of the same sexually-destructive habits from years past?” After all, as they say, insanity is doing the same thing (or the same person) over and over, and expecting different results.

  1. Invest in a good vibrator

For the better part of my life, I’ve dealt with subpar men that fail me, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to accept the same behavior from my trusty vibrator. In my 30 day challenge, I will make the investment of a lifetime: a good vibrator.

  1. Positive Affirmations: Sex Edition

In this every one of these 30 days, I will uplift my sexual spirits with positive affirmations, an unexpected choice, yes—but a necessary one. “I deserve an orgasm.” “I deserve respect in my sexual relationships.” “I deserve to have my sexual needs met.” Repeat, repeat, repeat.

  1. I will cut out every man who did not prioritize my sexual pleasure: past, present, and future.

Consider it spring cleaning, except its dusting away all the ghosts of relationships past that chose to ignore your needs and your orgasm. Though our culture continuously works to devalue the female orgasm with rhetoric of “you don’t need an orgasm to have good sex,” I’m not having it. In fact, in recent history, I made the bold decision to cut ties with a man whose lack of motivation translated into his C- bedroom performance. Because on that particular day, “I realized that it was against everything I believed in to be with a man who would not prioritize my sexual needs. I’ve spent my entire college education telling women they should value their orgasm and their sexual pleasure, and I should hold the same standard for myself” (a direct quote from the text I sent to this unsuspecting pillow princess).

  1. I will remember that this cleanse is a worthwhile pursuit, and is an emotional journey as much as it is a political one.

Though I feel no need to sugarcoat my goals to appeal to the masses, I will make every effort to clarify that this “challenge,” is not for attention’s sake. This is not my entrance into the world of clickbait-y articles. This is a movement, and all jokes aside, is truly a form of self-care in my own life. And if we’re being completely transparent, this 30 day sex detox is exactly what I need to recover from the disrespect (sexual and otherwise) I’ve encountered in recent years.

Now, I now you may be asking yourself “why does my impromptu New Year’s Resolution matter to you and your life?” The quick answer: because I so firmly believe that this process can be just as rejuvenating and empowering for other women, as it already has been for me. To effectively liberate women from their toxic habits and beliefs surrounding sexuality, drastic measures need to be taken. Complacency and a lazy disregard for our own sexual needs is no longer acceptable. Surprise fellas, in 2019, women are not just holding higher standards for their paycheck, for their martial spouses, and now their sexual partners, too—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. So, in this 30 days, I will take a much-needed test drive of my own challenge, to prove that I am right, and to prove that this is the right path for heterosexual women in the pursuit of their own happiness (and better sex).

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