Warning: this contains sexually explicit material/may cause triggers.
When we talk about sexual assault, we tend to not mention coercion or manipulation into sex. Today, I decided to speak up and share my story.
I lost my virginity in the 9th grade during my teen angst phase. The world around me was falling apart, and I just wanted someone to love me. I dated a guy for a couple months before I decided it was time to do the deed. It was my idea. When he came to my house late one night and woke me up, we started fooling around. I had no idea what I was doing. I never said yes or no. I just laid there. When he finally asked to have sex, I started to back out. I was so young, what the hell was I doing? Then he went on about how he went all the way to my house in the midst of winter, how it was my idea, and I caved. I just wanted someone to love me. I pretended to be so cool and happy having freshly lost my virginity, but in reality, I just felt empty inside. The relationship didn’t last long, but it paved the way for me to be wary of having sex again.
My last year of high school, I truly thought I was in love. It was long distance, he moved away after he graduated high school and when I was still a senior. He knew about my troubled past, and my uneasiness to have sex again. He seemed to understand, until he went to visit me over winter break. He was a virgin, anxious to have sex for the first time. He kept asking to have sex with me and touching when I didn’t want it. I kept telling him no, and begrudgingly he would comply. Was I crazy? I loved him, I should be having sex with him, but I wanted to wait…
Flash forward to the summer I graduated from high school, we spent over a month together over our one-year anniversary. We had a summer full of fun, adventure, and romance. Though, for some reason, I still didn’t feel ready for sex. Again, he bugged and bugged me about it. I had said we’d wait a year, we loved each other, shouldn’t we have sex? Finally, I caved again. I can’t even remember it, because after that I felt like I just became a sex toy. He would beg me to have sex or try something new I wasn’t comfortable with. He paid for everything on this vacation, we only saw each other so often, and we loved each other. Excuses. That was what I kept hearing. When I wasn’t in the mood, he still made me at least give him oral. It became a chore, I owed him. I convinced myself that it was okay, this was normal.
Somehow, even though I felt empty inside again, I pretended like nothing was wrong. I was in love, we seemed like the perfect couple. When we weren’t at home, everything seemed fine. I had never heard of something like this ever being a red flag in a relationship. After that summer, I chose to continue ignoring how I felt. I came to visit him again over my winter break freshman year of college, again I owed him. I remember this trip even less than the summer. What I do remember was something seemed off, he didn’t seem to love me the same. I felt more and more numb as the break went on. The chore of sex continued. A few weeks after the break ended, he dumped me. I cracked. I thought I was in love.
It wasn’t until later in college (even just a year ago) I found out that I was a victim on the sexual assault spectrum. I was emotionally manipulated into sex, a form of coercion, as well as having endured unwanted sexual contact. I didn’t want to talk about it. How could girls who were physically forced into sex be able to relate to me? I was in a relationship, sex is something you do. They would just laugh and tell me to get over it right? The scenario kept playing in my head, so I continued to keep it bottled up.
To this day I still worry I am overreacting, or overplaying my feelings. Realizing that my feelings mean something is what I am currently working on. I started opening up to my friends and finding out that what happened, was wrong. I want to share my story so that other people who may have been in a similar relationship can relate, and realize coercion is not okay. I want to share that sexual assault isn’t just rape, it is a whole spectrum including coercion, unwanted sexual contact/touching just to name a few.
Long story short, if you don’t feel comfortable about having sex, and there is no verbal consent, it’s not okay.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, check out their website to learn more about sexual assault, and resources for help.