This is for all the girls who feel pressure to do stuff or to lie about stuff in fear of getting rejected, shunned, humiliated, and unappreciated. I had my first kiss when I was 18, and my first boyfriend when I was 18. A lot of people would say that that is a late age to experience these things, and so I thought so, too. I am here to tell you that you don’t need to give in to any pressures because like you there are many more. Your decisions are yours only and no one else’s. I want whoever reads this to feel empowered at the end of this because feeling like something is wrong with you is a feeling I want you to get rid of today.
I have felt pressure to do certain things since I was a teenager and I know if I could have read something like this I would have lived a less stressful life. I made a survey to see if other girls have been pressured into doing stuff and if they have ever felt the need to be someone that they are not just to satisfy others. Here, I share my story and some of the feedback I received which remains completely anonymous.
As a teenager I always felt this pressure to experience things by a certain age; get my first kiss, have my first boyfriend, have sex, get married. The ones I felt pressured to do the most was to have my first kiss and have my first boyfriend. At the age of 13, I had so much pressure of getting it over with that I almost had my first kiss in a ‘spin the bottle’ game. I did not give in to it because I felt so ashamed in kissing someone that I had no feelings for, at 13 you want to kiss your crush and only your crush. After that, I was focused on sports. I always debated that I did not have time for anything with anyone but truly it was me trying to avoid the humiliation of admitting that I had never kissed anyone and was embarrassed to kiss someone and not know what I was doing. When I was in High School I reached a certain age where I was “too old” to say that I haven’t had my first kiss and so I started lying about it. I always lied about it because the kids I surrounded myself with would make fun of anyone who had never kissed anyone. I was afraid to talk to boys because of this terrible feeling I created of thinking that they would know I had not kissed anyone and would have laughed at me. It came to a point that I felt ugly, I felt that I was going to die alone. I am not kidding, I felt that I was never going to meet anyone that would be accepting of my inexperience at my age.
I remember going to bed, doing my prayers and praying to God for a boyfriend.
In 11th grade, I remember two girls in the middle of class turning around and asking me “Hey Mel you have never had a boyfriend right?” –they starred at each other almost about to burst out laughing, I said back “yes I have.” They started laughing and said “are you sure? What was his name?” and at that moment I just felt incredibly humiliated, everyone was waiting for me to hear my answer, the boy I liked was sitting next to me also waiting for me to hear my answer. I responded with a name I can’t remember and after that, I even contemplated making a fake profile for my fake ex-boyfriend.
I felt pressure from my family too. They would constantly ask me about getting a boyfriend. To a point that they questioned if liked girls instead.
I would cry most nights thinking that there was something wrong with me. I googled it even. “I am 18 years old and I have never had a boyfriend, is that normal?”. As I did that I saw
an article on a conversation of girls of different ages older than me saying that they haven’t had boyfriends and that calmed me down, it made me feel normal. This is what I want to make any girl who reads this feel like it’s okay not to have done this.
When I went to college it was a fresh start to a whole new set of lies. I felt as if I didn’t lie no one would have had respect for anything I had to say. I felt that if I said the truth I would have been laughed at. I met this boy who was the same age and graduating class as me and he had also never kissed anyone or had a girlfriend, with him I shared my first kiss and after I got my first kiss and first ‘boyfriend’ I still felt the need to lie to everyone. I remember telling him after sharing our first kiss “hey don’t tell anyone this was my first kiss.” –How incredibly wrong is that all because I didn’t want to be seen as inexperienced. After we broke up I decided to come clean with anyone who would ever ask me anything. It did not feel real to lie to everyone about my truth. My next relationship had to know the truth about myself. My second and current boyfriend knows everything about me, not one lie, that feels freeing in so many ways. This is all because I decided, if I have to lie to someone to make them like me, approve of me, appreciate me, respect me and so on they are not the right person for me.
I made the survey to see if I was the only one who has felt this way throughout the years. I wanted to know if their first any things have been out of these pressures and if they had had to lie about things because of the same or similar reasons. I also wanted to see if there are girls who have had not had their first kiss, their first boyfriend or their first anything because this whole article is for every girl who is feeling pressured to do something that they don’t want to. You, the one reading this, should only do it when you’re ready for it. I want you all to know that society is built on socially constructed norms and that they should not dictate how you go about your life. I want this to be the article I needed to read to feel normal and not do that thing society want me to do. You are not ugly, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not a prude, you are not a bad person, you do not care less, and you are not less of a woman for not doing what they want you to do.
- 43.3% have had their first kiss or have done intimate actions out of pressure.
- 63.3% have lied about doing things.
- More than 50% have lied because they wanted to feel more experienced, they wanted to be taken seriously, and they were embarrassed to say anything else but the lie.
I wish I could quote every response, many made me tear up because I understand what they went through. I asked them why they lied and how they felt.
- “I wanted the guy I liked to think that I was “mature” since he was older and I was younger. Looking back, I didn’t realize that if I had to lie to get a guy’s attention, he wasn’t worth it.”
- “I have been pressured to do stuff I wasn’t comfortable doing the first time just because the person would say that I didn’t love them enough.”
- “Saying you’re a virgin nowadays is like putting up a red flag that something’s wrong w you”
- “I felt like I had to lie in order for the other person to like me”
- “If I haven’t done any of that stuff or lied about it maybe I wouldn’t be invited to the group or be excluded from conversations”
- “I actually wish I could’ve marked most of the above. But, finally, it all comes down to the pressure I felt to be someone I’m not. I was constantly hearing all the stories of my friend’s sexual encounters and I wanted to fit in. I didn’t have much experience, never even had intercourse, but I didn’t want “girl talk” to be awkward. So I started making everything up.”
- “Sometimes we say things because we think it’s what someone wants to hear”
- “It felt bad to lie about what I had done, but the embarrassment of accepting that I had not done anything at all felt worse.”
What most have in common is that they felt that the other person will ‘think a type of way’ or ‘feel a type of way’; this is it, this is where we understand that when we lie is never about the reality, is always of “what could have” or “what they would feel like” it is never on the fact of what they would actually think if you said the truth it’s never truly about you, because if someone only accepts you by your lies they will not accept your true self. If you have done ‘x’ or ‘y’ and the person does not like you for that then they are NOT the right person for you or they are NOT the right people to surround yourself with. If you have to lie about not doing ‘x’ or ‘y’ to make someone like you, or appreciate you, or respect you, or approve of you then they are NOT the right person for you or they are NOT the right people to surround yourself with.
Another point I take from this is that most of us lie about doing stuff that we have not done. Doesn’t that make you feel that there is really no reason to lie? Most of us lie in order for that other person to be okay with us while they do the same to us. Guess what though? You actually are perfectly fine because all these societal norms are only socially constructed and at the end of the day they don’t mean anything to your true self.
In the survey I did, I asked: “If you have not had sex with anyone, can you explain how you feel about that topic?” And the responses moved me, it made me feel sad that girls think that there is something wrong with them, or that they are ugly, or anything along those lines because truly I will tell you right now you are NOT. Not at all, trust me I have been there and I know what I am saying when I say that you are perfectly fine!
“Like nobody will like me because I am inexperienced.”
“In the age, we live in right now, it seems like the world is opening to new POVs of sexuality and what it means to be intimate with someone. But being a virgin at this time and being in the very sexually conscious environment that I live in, is a very strange experience; especially when you’re not interested in having sex with anyone. When you tell people that if it comes cool and if not fine, sometimes they question it. And, at my age, the response I give makes people confused; “I’m just not interested in that stuff right now”, I say. And that should be enough, but sometimes it’s not… and that kind of sucks when you’re in an almost hyper-sexual group of people.”
“I feel really ugly, like nobody wants me.”
But this is not to say that everyone who took the survey feels the same way, there are some that understand that they are okay and that you don’t have to rush into something that you don’t want at the moment;
“I want to wait until I’m truly comfortable w the person because it’s such a vulnerable thing.”
“Sex is not on my list of priorities. Even though there is a lot, and I mean a lot!! of social pressure, I know that it will happen someday, but that doesn’t mean that I’m in a rush. I’m focused on my career and I don’t have time to be involved with anyone at the moment.”
“Sex is a very personal thing and it should be done whenever one is ready so that it can be an amazing experience the first time you do it. It should be done with someone you love and feel comfortable with. Many individuals feel like they need to have sex by a certain age no matter with who you do it with. It’s an image created by society that is erroneous and unhealthy.”
I want to end this with a note to all the girls or boys reading this if you are ever thinking of doing something do it because you want to. All our actions shape who we are in the present. We should not live in the past but we can definitely learn for it; learning from your past to create a better present is beautiful. May no one take that away from you, may you never have to do anything else out of pressure, and may you never have to ever lie to anyone again.