I am that friend who you meet unexpectedly. Yet soon, we’re hanging out pretty much every day. I am a listener — hard day? Tell me about it. Boy trouble? Let’s have an hour in our PJs with ice cream, then we’re getting pretty and going out. Best day ever? Promotion? Good grade on a test? Let’s get dinner, my treat. I will decorate and throw you a party. I’ll buy you that sweater you’ve been eyeing. I give. And I give. I always have.
With no exaggeration, I am there when you need to talk at 3 A.M.
I come to your parties, family gatherings, funerals — I’m there when you need me.
I will give you everything I possibly can because that’s how I am.
It kills me. Why? Not because I ever regret giving, helping or doing anything for you, but because I give my all to create strong relationships. I do this because I love the people I’m close with. There are levels of love, of course, but once you’re a friend, I will do anything I can to help you.
But who is there when I call? Who supports me at 3 A.M when I’m having boy trouble?
I get voicemails and cancellations. I get left on read. I have a party and 5% of the people I invited show, in spite of all the “I wouldn’t miss it!!” texts.
I am alone because I care. For years I have felt alone when in the presence of “friends.”
Yet since I came to college and got my own place, own world and own life… things have changed. I stopped caring. I have acquaintances and long time friends care in their own way. But I stopped opening myself up to the opportunity of another one-way friendship. I don’t suffer from the disappointment of plans I know will never go through.
And I am perfectly okay with being alone. Solidarity is comforting to me now and I thrive off of it. All that I gave to others for all those years now goes into what I give myself.
You may think I do not care or stopped reaching out to you. You may think I’ve “abandoned” you. Maybe you’ll realize I spent years trying to constantly bridge the growing gap between us to no avail.
But the only thing that has changed is that fact that I stopped making this a one-way friendship and looked at if this friendship would work without my constant reaching. If we do not talk anymore, there is your answer.
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