This is a letter to my could’ve been.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since we broke up. Sometimes it feels like that happened ages ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday.
I was 18 when I met you. You were 19. You had the worst reputation but I saw something in you. But I guess I was ignorant and naive, and never thought I would fall in love with a pathological liar and cheater. Besides, you don’t think it’ll ever happen to you until it actually does, right?
Man, were we happy. The highs were high, but the lows low. You somehow always manipulated me into thinking that I was at fault even when you were the one in question. I never understood this but I allowed myself to be blinded by love. I told myself to constantly be the bigger person and that maybe I was that horrible person you wanted me to believe I was – not you. I made excuses for many of the shady incidents that you put yourself in. It just disgusts me to think that you built up a myriad of lies from the beginning, and that I meant nothing to you when you were everything to me.
What’s most disappointing about all of this is that even after all you’ve put me through, even after what seemed like a final amicable ending to our story, you still found a way to disrespect me and the people around you. Please, if you have a girlfriend, then don’t talk behind her back… don’t tell me you miss me when she’s gone.
I’m not going to be your punching bag; I’m not going to be the girl you turn to when you need validation.
We could have had the world. We could have been happy. We could have been at peace.
But you could’ve also been honest. You could’ve also been loyal. You could’ve also loved genuinely.
I’m not sure if I wish things had happened differently because I can’t see how you would act in a different way. It’s so hard for me to imagine someone like that changing. I just wished I got out of it sooner, so it didn’t have to hurt like it did. The hardest part for me was accepting that the person I loved did not actually exist at all. I don’t know who you are, or who you were.
Yet I’m thankful. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to love someone so extensively. I’m thankful that you’ve unintentionally showed me that I do have strengths despite my weaknesses that you only focused on. I’m thankful that I know now not to be too naive or trust everything that’s being presented to me. I’m thankful that I know what to look out for and what not to settle for. I’m thankful.
so thank u, next.
Love, C.