The author of this article has chosen to remain anonymous. Trigger warnings: sexual assault, rape, depression, eating disorder, and anorexia.
When I was 15, I was an extremely innocent sophomore in high school who didn’t even know what sex was. When I was 15, I was raped. I thought it was my fault and that I didn’t have a choice. I thought there was no way that was sex. I was so embarrassed, completely disoriented, and numb. I was too ashamed to tell my friends and family, so I kept it in for 5 years. I kept it in until my body literally couldn’t handle it anymore.
My mom (who’s my best friend) didn’t know until this past summer. My dad, brother, and grandparents, aunts and uncles still don’t know and are probably finding out as they read this article.
This is the first time I have ever admitted that I was raped out loud (this is out loud, right?). My heart is racing. I don’t get nervous often, but I am sick to my stomach.
Following my sexual assault, I was so completely empty — so empty that I thought I was fine. Does that make sense? Sorry, I don’t know how else to say it. I was a weird kid in high school, certainly wasn’t “popular” (but what’s popular anyways?), didn’t want to be like everyone else, but also didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb. So, I just continued my high school career standing in the back trying to make it through graduation.
College — well, that’s a different story.
My freshman year of college was complete hell. I struggled with severe depression, tried to hold many pieces of my family together, and wanted to stop trying. I hated myself, my life, and was extremely pessimistic.
Sophomore year followed the same trend. Depressed, buried in a dark, lonely hole without the love and support of those around me and through that misery, I developed an eating disorder (anorexia) while I studied abroad in Barcelona for the quarter. I never hated my myself and my body more. The eating disorder tore me apart. It re-formed all of the wounds and flashbacks that the rape brought onto me and forced me to live an afraid, anxious, isolated life and decimated all of my hopes and dreams for the future.
Today, after recovering, after spending months in eating disorder treatment, after working on myself and who I am, after transferring to a new school, I am hoping to leave what he did to me behind. He doesn’t deserve to have this tight grasp on me.
Every day is a struggle. Many days I just don’t want to take on all of the pressures of the world. Many days I just want to be Olivia Pope and take over like a boss.
Source: VH1
So that is my goal. It has taken me long enough to see that I have friends and family all around me who love me endlessly. I have a smokin’ hot, incredible, and so inspiring mom who motivates me to do my best every day and be as awesome as she is. Her support never seems to amaze me. I have a dad that supports every move I make. I have a brother that I am beyond proud to call one of my best friends and confidants. I have loving grandparents who care for me and make me feel so special. I have a best friend who knows me better than anyone and always has my back.
I am still a f*ckin mess. I am really struggling, but I do have motivation to be me again. I was raped, but I won’t let that prevent me from living a full and happy life.
Me too.
For more resources:
National Eating Disorder Association – NEDA provides online screening for eating disorders, help lines, information about treatment centers, parents/family/friends support networks, and much more for those suffering with eating disorders.
Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network – RAINN provides a help hotline, public education about sexual assault, consulting services, as well as creating laws and regulations for those who have been affected by sexual assault, and much more.
Cover image source: Unsplash, Jake Melara