Like many people, it’s hard for me to admit when things aren’t easy to me…especially on the first try. Why I can’t find the reasons to trudge on through my grief in ways that seem healthy, in ways I see other people do. But I’m coming to terms with the notion that coping is different for everyone and that’s okay. What works for others might not work for me, and that is okay.
So, all in all, it’s been a journey to figure out what is okay for me and what isn’t. Some days it seems like grief is the annoying Scam Likely telemarketer who won’t stop calling me. But other days, grief feels like a mother’s reassuring love, putting daisies in my hair and telling me that it is okay to FEEL my emotions.
And so I’m trying my best. To feel them as much as I possibly can and to be nice to myself when I do. To remind myself that vulnerability is strength and that’s enough of a reason, in and of itself, to open up about the weight that I feel in my chest. To be kind to myself on the nights that I’ve mixed my drinks and my sadness sneaks up on me in one swift swoop. To be as gentle to my healing heart as my boyfriend is when he holds me. And most importantly, to be just as quick with myself as I am to others when I tell them to talk to me nicely because in order to set the tone for them, it’s important that I set it for myself first.
And as hard as it was, I’m grateful. Because alongside the grief came the growth. And for that, I am grateful. For what it’s worth – the times I spent crying in the shower, the days I spent cooped up in my room, and the nights I had to be carried into bed – all taught me everything that I needed to know today. That one day I will be able to remember the beauty that someone’s life brought me and that it can be remembered as just that – beautiful.
Because sometimes, I won’t have captured photographs in order to preserve those memories. I won’t have film to remember the way love looks on some people’s faces, the way it radiates off their skin or the way it dances in their eyes. Sometimes, their love is meant to exist just for me, safe and sound in the crevices of my mind. Sometimes, love is meant to live on through me.
So, I am rooting for me. And I am rooting for you. I am rooting for everyone who is struggling with loss. Because I know how hard it is, I know how hard it’s been and I know how hard it continues to be. But I still choose to believe that the grass is greener on the other side.
Whether that side be a parallel universe where we meet again, or a place where their soul goes or even just making it through the grieving process to the other side where you’re finally able to breathe again. I choose to believe that – I have to. Because it’s already rained and it’s already poured. Now all that’s left is for the grass to grow, the flowers to bloom and for the sunsets to look like what romance feels like.
Because like I said, just like many people, it’s hard for me to admit when things aren’t easy to me. But to heal through your pain means to deal with your pain. And I am learning.