Dear Holly,
My girlfriend and I really want to try anal, but I don’t know how to approach her to ask and not be creepy. I wouldn’t say our sex life is vanilla, I’d compare it with vanilla and confetti, it’s good and kinky but it could get better. Please help Holly.
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Dear Vanilla and Confetti,
Remember being in a sexual relationship is being in a grown up/adult relationship. Communication is key in all relationships; simply tell your lover you want to take things to the next level. That being said, too many people jump to conclusions about anal and immediately think of the negative aspects. She may quickly shut you down, before even discussing it. NEVER spring surprise anal on someone, NOBODY likes a surprise like that! What you need to do are the following steps:
Step one: Introduce the concept of butt play. Tell your lady that eventually you want to try anal, but first you want to try a few things. Explicitly lay out the fact that she is in power, and as soon as she is uncomfortable she can stop it. By enforcing the fact that she can stop everything when she chooses to will make her more willing. Besides, consent is sexy!! Bringing research to the table will definitely help, it will show you are committed and this isn’t just some whim. Make sure she understands that both of you can enjoy anal, and it is not all about you. It’s about both of you recieving pleasure!
Step two: So you have consent but you must take things slowly. Simply touch the anus during foreplay/sex, she needs to get comfortable with you being in the vicinity and be able to trust you. Let her lead the action, wait until she gives you permission to insert a finger. REMEMBER: even though you are only using your fingers you will still need lube. Don’t even approach the subject of anal with her unless she says go.
Step three: So you’re done with sex and you’ve incorporated some butt play. Now is the time to talk about how it went; did she enjoy the butt play, how did it make her feel, did it add to her sexual experience or take away from it? There are three ways this talk could go: 1. She absolutely hates it/ nope, nope, nope. 2. It was okay, but I’m not ready for anal yet/ still needs time to adjust 3. Wow, that was awesome/ let’s try anal soon.
Anal is like a hot bath, you and your partner need to ease into it. Anal isn’t for everyone, and if she doesn’t like it don’t pressure her. Sex is about MUTUAL ENJOYMENT, you should never pressure someone to do something they don’t like.
XO,
Holly
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