Breakups can be devastating no matter how they happen or when they happen. Initiating it is equally as painful as having to be the recipient of it. While these times in our lives may seem intimidating, emotionally damaging and hindering; they do not always have to be. I am a firm believer in ‘life is what you make it’ (cue Hannah Montana), or at least I am now after undergoing an experience like this.
When my boyfriend of 10 months and I decided that it was best for both of us to breakup, I was initially speechless and incapable of addressing the situation to anybody who asked. I spent most of my time with him and felt safe knowing that I always had that emotional support and intimacy that I had always longed of having, since this was my first relationship. Once it all dissipated, I felt lost and unsure of how to spend my time.
Throughout my relationship, and even prior to it, I suffered from anxiety and depression, but he was always someone who comprehended my mental illness and worked through it with me. I had some of my best moments with him and some of my worst. When I regrouped and came to the realization that it was just me in this situation now, facing it myself and battling it alone, I became a firmer believer in the idea that you cannot love someone until you love yourself. I struggled with confidence, jealousy and self-deprecation: and I will be the first to admit it. People tend to brush these conflicting issues to the side and ignore their implications (which I very much did) but once I started to focus on them in my newfound time alone, I began to overcome them.
Initially, I was horrified to be single and alone without the constant support and reassurance of somebody else. However, I began to appreciate time to myself and feel comfortable in spending time alone, which I was far too nervous to do while in a committed relationship. I journaled, I danced around my room and embraced myself for who I am, rather than channeling all my energy into criticizing myself and reciprocating love to somebody else when I did not even love myself. It was during this time that I finally appreciated my skin, my hair, my teeth and my eyes; which I used to consciously focus on picking myself apart for.
Breakups are not all that bad. It is often in our darkest moments where the most light can be shed on situations that were placed on the back burner. While I was emotionally broken, I also bettered myself and found things that made me happy instead of letting the sadness consume me. Just remember, it has to get worse before it can be better, but once it gets better it is only uphill from there. Just never lose sight of who you are, in a relationship or not.