Growing up we are often warned about the inevitable heartbreak that we will face from a breakup sometime in our teens or twenties (or both for most people), but the heartbreak that society seems to avoid addressing is the friend breakup. The friend breakup is arguably the most difficult breakup to go through, as it challenges all of the coping mechanisms we are taught in preparation for our first relationship heartbreak and leaves us lost when the time comes to face the friend breakup.
Breakup Tip #1: Wallow with Ice Cream, a Friend and a Bad Movie.
Every movie or TV show seems to tell us that our initial reaction to a breakup should be to grab a friend, a tub of ice cream, and a shitty movie to begin the wallowing process. As much as eating ice cream out of the tub feels great in the moment and the movie is a nice temporary distraction, it is really that time with a friend that begins the healing process. Nearly every ‘breakup tip’ consists of some sort of activity to be done with a friend. So, when the breakup you’re dealing with is between you and your best friend, these tips often fall flat unless you are lucky enough to have a boyfriend or another close friend to help you through. Even if that is the case, friend breakups often leave people feeling like they cannot trust anyone, and so, we put up walls and refuse to let people support us through it. In an actual breakup, we may temporarily lose our trust in men, but in a friend breakup we often lose our trust in people in general, choosing instead to cope in isolation.
Breakup Tip #2: Talk It Out With Friends
If you are comfortable enough to continue to let people in to support you through a friend breakup, there is the added concern that venting and attempting to talk things through can look like gossip. This feature is fairly unique to friend breakups because when it comes to actual breakups trash talking the ex is basically a requirement of any good friend. If you get dumped and your best friend’s immediate reaction isn’t, “You were way too pretty for him anyway,” is she even your best friend? But, in friend breakups, there is the expectation of any mature individual to address the end of the friendship in a civil and respectful manner. If you hold yourself to this standard of being a decent human being that doesn’t spread gossip, then the common ‘breakup tip’ to talk through it with a friend becomes a lesson in self-control that you would not need to worry about in a normal breakup.
Breakup Tip #3: The Best Way to Get Over Someone is to Get Under Someone Else
One of the most common tips for breakups is: “To get over someone, get under someone else,” and clearly this just doesn’t apply when it comes to the end of a friendship. Essentially, the idea behind this tip is to find a temporary replacement for the person you have lost, and with friendships, it is not that simple. Friendships take a lot of time, trust and shared experiences to create a solid bond, and unlike with relationship breakups, a one night stand or rebound cannot begin to repair the confidence hit and significant loss that is felt when a friendship ends.
Although we may not be prepared to face friendship breakups, nearly all of us will at some point in our lives, and I promise that it is a good thing. Friendships often begin due to individuals having similar lives and interests, so when a close friendship ends after a significant amount of time, that only means that people have grown as individuals. Just because two people do not grow in the same direction does not mean that they have failed or done something wrong. It simply means that they have embraced their individuality and are pursuing who they are, even if that means their futures no longer align. Just as every friendship teaches us something about ourselves, so does the breakup. I have learned something different about myself through each friend breakup that I have experienced and have grown as a person as the result. Just as breakups show us what we do and do not want in a lifelong partner, friendship breakups show us the kind of people to accept into our lives and make us better friends for the future. So, embrace all of your heartbreaks, and continue building friendships because they’ll only get better from here.