1. I really, really in the bottom of my heart do not care about your PHD from Oxford/Harvard/Stanford/Pomona. Or that you studied ECONOMICS (!!!!) as an undergrad and only found your passion for Literature when you attended an extremely expensive workshop at an extremely expensive university and someone (whom you paid a lot of money) told you that “your ideas on James Joyce are groundbreaking!!!!!!”
2. Or your lecture circuit or that Mark Twain pun you picked up at your last conference
3. Did you really just bring up your divorce again? Hey I am uncomfy!!!!!!
4. PLEASE, PLEASE GOD LET ME SPEAK YOU WON’T STOP SPEAKING AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS POINT OUT THE CORRELATION BETWEEN THE GIANT BEETLE AND THE HUMAN EXISTANCE THE BEETLE IS MORE HUMAN THAN THE HUMANS OKAY WE GET IT WE’VE ALL GOTTEN IT CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THE METAMORPHOSIS WITH REGARDS TO THE SISTER’S MORE COMPLEX TRANSFORMATION INSTEAD OF GREGOR GOOD GOD WE HAVE ALL READ THIS BOOK SO MANY TIMES I FEEL LIKE GREGOR RIGHT NOW I AM GREGOR RIGHT NOW OMG YOU’RE IGNORING ME MAYBE I’M A BEETLE NOW AND CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH ANY MORE OH MY GOD okay class is over bye
5. On the other hand, I enjoy it when you call out the aliens disguised as human beans who spend more of our class time on their phones than in depth in Emerson, yes these same potato mushies who read verbatim from spark notes on their laptops while presenting (summary to motifs to symbols, what an incredible structure!) I especially enjoyed the complete halt of classroom conversation you instigated to stare with the malice of 1000 hell fires at the girl in the front row taking a snapchat selfie. This is amusing and satisfying, please never stop being your self-righteous indignant self.
6. *insert inadvertently sexist/racist remark by male English professor here*
7. Repeating your same 5 fun facts/anecdotes about famous authors you’ve met is really getting old and is making me sad at the idea that this is what fulfills your life and now I dislike you again and have tuned out your lecture that you refuse to let me contribute to and am ranking the best Amy Winehouse singles in my head. You would never understand Amy.
8. When you reference sex a few times that’s okay, we are all adults here. It even makes you seem cool! Wow, this homie is totally diggity down with what the kids are vibin to, gee wiz and parents just don’t understand! But when you repeatedly bring up sexual metaphors for over 3 days in a row, I am left with no choice but to get ~*uncomfy*~ again!! And to analyze what in your life is making you want to talk about sex so much! Perhaps relating back to your divorce? Perhaps referencing back to the night of November 19, 1983 when she made that super snide remark about your new haircut. Wow I really love that I know these details about you!!!
9. PLEASE STOP: Referencing readings not on the syllabus that I will never read and have never read and are not in my native language and can only be found in an Austrian library outside of Vienna in the mountains guarded my monks and the password is “West Egg.”
10. PLEASE STOP: ASSUMING I AM NOT SELF-MOTIVATED AND UNDERESTIMATING MY CAPACITY TO BE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT AND INSIGHTFUL. I know you think I stay up until 2 am every night reading Twilight (ya ok truth), but I have also written 10 page papers in less than 4 hours that you’ve given me As for and have in this very classroom improvised an entire 30 minute presentation while being hung over and going over my to-do list in the back of my mind. I’m not saying I’m a genius but I am saying that you might regret underestimating me someday when I have moved on and you are still in here referencing the famous ppl you “know” (me!).
#STOPMEDIOCREENGLISHPROFESSORS2016*
*to all of my english professor friends i luv you all keep doin u and ignore this and give me As ok thanks