My Panic Attacks

 

Breathe in and out. Stop shaking, stop worrying, its fine, its fine, no it isn’t. What will happen? I do not want that to happen. Why is it hard to focus? Why am I getting so stressed? What if it happens? What should I do? I need to lay down, nope it’s not working. I can’t breathe still. Focus on the breathing. This, this isn’t right…

Once or twice a week I have a panic and/or anxiety attack. They come out of nowhere when I think of something might happen to me or effect in the future. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night thinking did I lock my car? Did someone tow it? Where’s my license? Many questions go in my head which causes me to not sleep for the whole night as well as the questions not answered.

It all started in 7th grade. My father was taken a class during my school year. He had a binder the same as mine which happened to be next morning as the same day school is. My binder had all my homework that's due tomorrow for the scariest teacher I had. In the morning, I tried to look for my binder and noticed it was gone. I remember I couldn’t breathe. My hands were shaking and I was thinking of detention to failing a class for missing one assignment.  I fell to the floor crying hysterically hoping I can breathe again. My mother helped me and emailed my teacher about the situation. Even though the problem was solved, I still could not handle the situation.

Now the third year in college, it has gotten worse to the point my friends and family are worried about me. I have emotional moods such as being easily angry to easily hurt. I now do not want to go out with my friends that much because in my head I would be thinking the whole time what I need to do when I get home and do not want them to handle the pressure of me bugging them. Because of my anxiety has gone up, I am now failing a class. I never received a D or lower in my life. I am scared of my anxiety making it worse.

“Why don’t you smoke weed?”

“I think you need to stop worrying and go with the flow.”

“Ever thought of CAPS?”

“Just fail the class and retake it.”

All those options I can NOT do. CAPS tried to help, but their solutions did not work for me, but it works for others. Weed will not calm me at all, but make me more stress when reality comes back. I also do not smoke weed which makes it's worse since I’m not experienced and not knows what symptoms I will get.  Also, failing is not an option for me. I can not let myself down. I have a 3.4. GPA for two years and still want my grade to be higher than a 3.0. I am not letting this anxiety take over my life and hope I can become better to control it.

 

Hitting the wall, Quotes to get you by, Body Positivity