My Mistakes

I feel as though I have hit a wall. As if I have ran a marathon, took a water break and had no motivation to finish. I am having a hard semester to no fault other than my own.

My freshman year, I made dean’s list both semesters,  I did all my homework and showed up to every class, albeit a few 8 am’s. I was involved through Her Campus, became an alternate CSA by the end of second semester, got a job as a student assistant and whenever I told people all these things they looked at me with shock.  It was the first time in my life that I had done so unbelievably well in school and I was so proud of myself for doing so, but this semester is a different story.  

I had a great, relaxing and fun summer and when I finally came back to Sonoma State, I had the same high expectations for myself.  I tend to put a lot on my plate, which never seems to work out for me, but I guess I never learn my lesson...  I took on a second job this year and joined a sorority along with everything else and ever since my life has been a little hectic.

First and foremost, I don’t regret joining a sorority! I have made my closest friends who I can’t even imagine my life without now, but it is a lot of work.  There are mandatory meetings, certain events and more that your are required to show up to.  All of which I love doing, but of course it can be a little overwhelming.  I got a second job to help with some extra expenses this year, because I make car payments now, and quickly realized that the position I took on was not for me! But i stayed there for 2 ½ months and just recently quit.

At the beginning of this semester, I expected that if i just did the same things as I did the previous semesters that i would be fine...but of course that didn’t go as planned.  Because of my new job, I became too exhausted to do homework, I half assed everything and pushed aside my schoolwork to hang out with friends.  Once the fires happened we had another week long break and it was another excuse to shove my schoolwork to the side.  

About two weeks ago I absolutely bombed a midterm and completely broke down.  I was on the phone crying to my dad about how I just didn’t want to do it anymore and to simply go home, I went home and took a nap because I was exhausted, woke up and went to get junk food with my best friend and felt almost too happy and spent a couple of hours just crying laughing with her and then started studying for my midterm the next day. It was as if i had a mental breakdown and every emotion just flooded out of me, but that was my wake up call. That was the moment I realized how awful I made my own life by expecting myself to do so well with so little effort.

 

As much as I still just want to run from my problems and never look back, I have to own up to them.  I know that this semester won’t look pretty for me and that because of my actions, or lack-thereof, I will have to work ten times harder next semester to make up for my poor grades.  I have to talk to my professors and explain what went wrong, and not ask for sympathy from them, but for if/how I can fix it, and refuse to let myself spiral down even lower.  

I am now dedicated from this point on to do every homework assignment, be prepared for every test and to be once again dedicated to my schoolwork because I miss the old me.