It’s that time of the year again, collegiettes. The seasons are changing, the leaves are dying, and so are our relationships. Maybe you had a high school sweetheart and you just couldn’t make it work as you went off to different colleges; maybe a summer flame fizzled out; maybe your long-term romance suddenly went from fairy-tale love to the nightmare before christmas. Whatever your situation, and whatever the reason (and sometimes there isn’t one at all), breakups are the worst.
It’s hard to believe that one day you can love someone with all your heart and see a future with this amazing person who loves you back, and the next your whole world is crashing down around you, but unfortunately it happens. Everyone is different and so everyone has different ways of dealing with heartbreak and grief, but there is something we all have in common: losing love hurts for everyone. It hurts. It absolutely, positively, hurts like hell – no matter your situation. And it’s going to hurt, probably for a long time. But losing love doesn’t mean losing your future, and it doesn’t mean losing yourself.
Eventually you’ll be okay (you will be, I promise) and sometimes, knowing that you’ll be okay is actually what hurts the most. But once you can let go, find yourself, and learn to love again, you’ll be able to see that this isn’t the end of the world; it may be the end of a chapter in your life, but you need to remember that you’ve got so many more ahead of you – an entire book of pages left waiting for you to fill them with whatever sort of story you want to tell, whatever story you want to live. So here’s some advice to help inspire, comfort, and heal, and hopefully make you feel a little less alone. We’ve all been there and we’ve all gotten through it, and so will you, so do you boo boo.
Rachel – 20, single
“If it’s meant to be, it will be. It’s so true: if you’re breaking up there’s clearly a reason for it. Maybe it was right at the time but if you change or the other person changes, it might not be right for the future.”
Kirsten – 20, taken
“Life gets better. After the breakup it’s hard because it seems nearly impossible to think of a life that you had prior to that significant other, and you’re kind of reflecting back on a time and you just can’t think of it. But look for your friends, go to your family, and just enjoy being an individual.”
Courtney – 21, over it
“You can do better.”
Nik – 21, single
“I just think regardless of the type of breakup you have, whether it be a mutual thing or it just ends on horrible terms, regardless of the type of relationship you have with the person, as long as you can learn something from it and grow as a person then it wasn’t time wasted. If it’s kind of given you a standard to set for what you’re looking for in your next partner, then it was meaningful and you learned something from it, regardless of if you feel like it’s a waste of time or that really emotionally you’re affected. But looking forward I could either regret that or I can say: you know what, I wasn’t in a good place at that time, but I’m gonna take that as a lesson and learn from it and move on.”
Alicia – 21, single & ready to mingle
“The best piece of advice that someone gave me when I was dating someone was that they weren’t fully giving all their attention to me and they weren’t really communicating well and so someone just said: if they’re not communicating well with you, you should just end it. Because it’s not worth you doing so much more for them than they do for you.”
Sal – 21, single
“I think that you should, in a breakup, make a decision and stick with it, because the most mistakes I’ve made, friends that I’ve seen make mistakes, go against their better judgment.”
James – 24, single
“Best advice I ever got is that sometimes you need to let the time pass to heal. Best advice I would give is that dwelling on the breakup won’t keep the lights on. There is more to your life than that person, and you should focus on the good you do have left, instead of the loss of that person. Time doesn’t heal all, it just takes the edge off. Sometimes it really is just too soon; some things will never heal. But plan for yourself; when the right person comes, they will fit. Never plan around someone fully – that’s how you get hurt and left at square one. I know that isn’t the love way of doing things but sometimes love isn’t enough.”
Val – 26, engaged
“Time; you just need time. I really do think it takes time to work on yourself before you move on to something else, and learning who you are. I feel like breakups are opportunities for you to learn who you are and what you want and not necessarily focus on what the other person didn’t like about you or didn’t appreciate about you or vice versa. It’s about figuring out who you are, what you want, and moving through that. Do new things; I feel like it’s just an opportunity to date yourself.”
Christa – 31, married
“I don’t want to tell you that it’ll be okay – but it’ll be okay. In the right now we are heartbroken because you’ve been so invested in the future, everything you have planned has them in it. I’m a true believer in everything happens for a reason and that something better will come along. You’re the only one who knows how long it’s going to take to heal, so take your own pace. And when you’re ready to dive back into the dating world, don’t be afraid. Take the time to reflect on the positives and lessons learned; you have to take the time to grieve. Don’t rebound – it’s only going to hurt more people. Learn to put yourself first and love yourself first.”
Béla – 42, single
“Move on. Time needs time. It’s over, it’s over, and you’re just delaying the inevitable if you keep thinking about it. You need to fix yourself before you can fix your relationship; you need to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy.”
Rachel – 61, dating but not in a relationship
“So my advice on breakups, especially if you live in a small community, is to, even though there’s heartbreak involved, try to treat each other as gently and as kindly as possible, with the knowledge that you may have some kind of contact with this person in the future. And if you are both living in a community, just trying to be as fair and balanced about the breakup as is humanly possible; it’ll help you in the long run.”
Ruth – 72, widowed
“Acknowledge the pain and know it will take time. You can’t rush moving on, and I hate the term ‘moving on.’ You can’t rush putting it into perspective; you have to feel the pain. Focus on moving forward, not moving on.”
You can say “I’m fine, I’m fine, it doesn’t hurt,” but eventually all your lies catch up to you. You can fake it ’til you make it, but eventually you have to be honest with yourself instead of running away. They say honesty is the most important quality for building a solid foundation for any relationship, and the most important relationship you’ll ever be a part of in your life is the one you have with yourself. So focus on yourself, be honest with your feelings and wants and needs, but don’t let them own you. Feel the pain, cry, scream, let it all out – but don’t let your emotions dictate your life, because eventually, through all the sadness and the pain, you will smile again. You will laugh again. And, eventually, you will love again, too.
Remember that if you’re going through a tough time, you never have to be alone. Talk to your family, tell your roommates what’s going on in your life, and see what sorts of resources your campus has available for you. There’s no shame in utilizing counseling or health services, and these are amazing (and usually free!) resources. Caring for yourself is the most important thing that you can do for yourself, and even though it may not seem like it right now, you have so many people who love you. Let yourself be one of them.