It’s Saturday morning. Hook up #7. You find yourself in his bed and those beans from Sarah’s birthday dinner at Aqui last night are starting to catch up with you. Do you treat yourself to a nice liberating toot or suck it in and suffer in silence?
1. He Has Seen You Soberly Cry
(***Yes, this implies that you guys have soberly hung out***)
I’m not talking just a casual sniffle while you force him to watch The Notebook with you. I’m talking the all-out, no-holding-back hideous cry. I want the full works: snot, tears everywhere, maybe a good old-fashioned dry heave. If he can still make out with you after watching you transform into a literal monster before his very eyes, he can handle a little tootage.
2. You Have Bled, Puked and/or Peed in His Sheets
That’s disgusting. If we were hooking up, I would end things with you stat. Luckily for you, you’re hooking up with him and not me and for some reason he’s still into you so I’d say go for it. A light gaseous reminder of what you had for dinner last night is nothing compared to actual physical chunks of it dried up on his sheets.
3. You’ve Been Playing Hard to Get
First off, hard to get is stupid and you should stop playing dumb games with the poor guy if you like him. But if you insist on playing it “cool,” a little morning gas action might be the best thing that ever happened to you guys. It’ll give him the comfort of knowing you’re actually a real human rather than some emotionless robot who shares his bed from time to time and, furthermore, strengthens your message that you genuinely don’t give a shit about him or what he thinks.
4. You’ve Been a Total Psycho
This really can vary. You burst into tears when you saw him talking to another girl, you snuck into his house late at night and crawled into bed with him, you left him 48 voicemails in one night, you told him you loved him after one dance floor make out, you asked him to be exclusive after that same dance floor make out….how you choose to be psycho is a personal choice but, either way, you’ve committed an otherwise unforgivable act of insanity and this guy has still chosen to move forward with you. Be happy and rejoice in a nice, relaxing arse blast (yeah, I just looked up synonyms for “fart” in Urban Dictionary…sue me).
5. You Just Really Gotta Fart
…because at the end of the day, if he’s lame enough not to find your morning gas hilarious, he sucks and you guys should end things anyways.