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Woman Scorned! How to Get Back at your Boyfriend: 101

The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.

Hey Alexa, play “My girlfriend is a witch” by October County.

She walked the streets of a lonely road in downtown Toronto. Her appearance was odd – mascara running down her face, shoulders slumped with a bottle of red wine in one hand. “This night could not get any worse,” she said. Little did she know, it could.

Approximately 2 hours earlier, Poppy was broken up with at a restaurant. She found it hilarious that he was the one breaking up with her, considering he had cheated on her.

Reid, her ex-boyfriend of 2 years, went to college and cheated on her. The reason for the break-up according to him was not because he cheated, but because he needed time to learn and reinvent himself. 

“Whatever that means,” she thought.

She entered her apartment and began her nightly routine. Took a shower, cleaned the apartment, set up the altar with black candles, grimoire, tarot cards, voodoo doll and pins. Her night had just begun. She took all the rage, pain and magic into one bowl and mixed it while chanting to the Triple Moon Goddess.

She picked up her voodoo doll, who looked awfully like Reid. Her face glowed and a smirk plastered it. 

“You are the grand finale,” she said to the voodoo doll.

She opened a new page of her grimoire and started writing. The pages said that Reid will fail his chemistry test tomorrow. That was written approximately 20 times. She lit up an incense stick and closed her eyes. She started visualizing his demise and one could see her levitating above the floor.

When she reached the ground, her eyes opened with such an eerie sight and her nose started bleeding. That’s when she knew she was successful. She was waiting to hear about his demise the next morning. She obviously had spies everywhere. Is that even a question you should be asking at this point?

She waited restlessly for tomorrow because she knew how hard he had worked for this test and how important it was to him and his future. 

“Maybe he will hurt as I did. Maybe even worse!” she said to her cat.

As the morning sun pierced through the curtains, she texted her spy.

“Has he failed?”

“Yes”

Happiness once again rejoiced her soul, the relief passed through her veins. She jumped from the bed and twirled around the room as if she was the happiest person on the planet. Her phone lit up with a notification –

“He doesn’t look sad, he just said that he will work harder next time,” the text readout.

Her shoulders slumped again, the feeling of fear coursing through her heart. She made her way towards the Altar, looking at the voodoo doll as if her life depended on it, but the truth was his life depended on it.

After a lot of chanting, floating and smoking she finally went in to stab the doll. Before she could do that, a gust of wind blew out the candles lit in front of her. She looked up and cursed.

This time I, the universe, replied back –

“Don’t use that tone with me,” I said.

“Why did you do this? I was almost done,” she said.

“Do you really think killing him will stop your heart from aching?” I said.

“No, but it will hurt his heart even more!” Poppy let out the loudest laugh.

“Love is a very complicated thing. You meet someone, fall in love, imagine your future with them and then they leave. That is just how life is, you move on. The worst thing is that it will happen again.” I said.

Poppy could hear her heartbeat in her ears. “The universe was right,” she thought to herself. People will leave and I cannot stop them, but she could surely stop their hearts.

She opened her grimoire and opened a page of death and destruction. The fire lit in her eyes and the room went black.

Ding-Dong, her doorbell rang. She raced to the front door and found Reid standing in front of her. This was an unexpected twist, even I did not expect it. 

To summarise a very long argument between a Witch and a ditcher, they got back together. He promised to get better and to “never cheat again.” She was always so naive, she put the end of mankind in her back pocket. 

For my sake, I just hope no one ever cheats on Poppy because I cannot handle any more doom!

Ishitaa Chopra is an author, writer, poet and model. She is a mental-health activist and enjoys computer programming. She is also a self-proclaimed Marvel enthusiast. She spends most of her time binging TV shows.
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