I’m trying to be very honest with myself while writing this personal piece; the voices in my head keep getting louder, though. They’re trying to remind me of all the things I need to say, all the things I shouldn’t say and maybe all the things that I shouldn’t, but need to say. I just want to disclaim, however, that this is strictly a look into MY brain and no offence is to be taken. I am also most definitely not blaming anyone for my thought process. Living with this kind of mentality is honorable, although damaging at best. Please don’t let the way that I live my life influence you, by any means. I have full faith you’re already doing great things.
I don’t think I can make myself any more clear when I say that I live off of ambition, an eight-letter word that powers me through each and every day. It’s more than just striving to do well; at this point, it’s choosing success over absolutely anything.
Let me explain: My head is overflowing with thoughts — sometimes it’s simple things, like caffeine-driven thoughts about rap music, the colour orange and hoodies. Other times, it’s situations, relationships and schoolwork, but on a much deeper level. Rather than just thinking about if I want a relationship or friendship, the thoughts are somewhere along the lines of how I only want a relationship/friendship with this particular type of person, because anyone else will not better me the way they can. With schoolwork, rather than thinking about doing my best, it’s always if you’re not first, you’re last.
These thoughts are not always healthy to have and I’ve been told that multiple times. I can recall talking to a few friends about a situation where I wasn’t sure if I would benefit from the relationship. I pressed my fingertips to my temples as my good friend looked at me and said “Sometimes people can change. Maybe you’ll grow to accept that they don’t really want to do as much with their life as you do.” I scoffed. “How should that be acceptable?” I would say, “Don’t people get put on this planet for a purpose?” I didn’t understand. “Not everyone is like you, Madison. Not everyone necessarily thinks about things or prioritizes things in the way that you do.”
This brings me to the point where I need to explain how my brain works. So, my brain and I have a very complicated relationship. It holds me to the highest standards possible. It subconsciously weeds out ‘friends’ that I feel are using me, silently judges ‘friends’ and boys that I don’t think have potential to benefit my life and even makes me feel guilty about getting a good night’s sleep if I have tons of homework. These thoughts started at an extremely young age, which I believe to be centered around the expectations that those around me had for me. As I got older, the expectation of doing well became a harsher reality. I was also constantly fighting the same battle. “You can’t make money unless you’re good at your job,” I would always hear. Believe me, I’ve always understood that money doesn’t necessarily bring happiness, however I knew I excelled at what I did. I knew I was an exceptional writer and I knew that I could make a living off of journalism, I just had to prove it for the rest of my life. I’d have teachers signing my yearbook in third grade promising me they would be the first ones to buy my book. I knew that I was put here for a purpose and I had to become something great. My expectations for myself kept rising; I’d compare myself to other smart kids in the class. I’d always had a knack for languages and I could blow a writer’s craft course out of the water; I never accepted defeat. Even in university, I often take on everything that I can, without fail, out of fear of letting people down or not doing enough. It’s a dangerous game I play with my mind, almost like it’s taunting me. How much more can you take? Are you any closer to where you want to be?
When I asked some of my friends what the quality is that they envy most about me, they all said ambition, claiming that I show it through everything I do. One friend told me that he was certain that I wouldn’t let anything stand in the way of my success, so much so that if I had to, I’d screw someone over to get there. He made it clear that I wouldn’t intend to do it but I would if I had to. Sometimes, though, according to my dad, I had too much [ambition]. “You haven’t fallen yet, but when you do, that will be the day you’ll have to pick yourself back up and get a reality check.” He would say. He was right — I’d spend hours crying over an assignment only to do it anyways, with tears in my eyes. Not only would I complete it, but I’d do it properly and I’d do well on it. Surprised? No, me neither.
Contrary to what you might think, however, this article is not being written for me to boast about myself, in any way, shape or form. I’m here to tell you how dangerous it is having this level of ambition, using my real-life experiences as an ambition addict in comparison.
Obviously, ambition is great to have in its broadest sense; to push you to get a career, to chase your dreams, to fulfill your life. An intense level of ambition (such as this one) can lead to fatigue and extreme burnout, acting detrimental in certain instances. Most throw themselves into their work to strive for perfection and satisfaction which is only great until it eats at you inside. Many ambitious people struggle to build personal relationships. Going back to my example of no one ‘ever being good enough’, it’s very hard to immersify myself in conversations with friends without thinking of the million other things I have to do. As much as I want to listen to these friends, I often feel like my to-do list is a bigger priority. It’s hard to grow relationships with people unless I feel like I’m in competition with them, as goal-oriented people push me to do better. I’m constantly fearful of living in the moment just because I always need an answer to everything right away. I need a resolution, an understanding, a compromise. Anything to check that problem off my to-do list. Although not intentional thoughts, this harsh reality of overambitious thinking can lead to feeling misunderstood. Ambitious people often undergo self-neglect, too, which is especially dangerous during your time at university. These people often forget when to put themselves first and feel as though saying no is the most difficult task, as they don’t want to disappoint. Although taking a break may lead to more creative thoughts and better productivity, you can’t tell that to an overly-ambitious. They’ll look at you like you have three heads!
Satisfaction. Everyone wants it, few have it. Being an ambition addict can get tough. I’ve had moments where I’ve been interested in having people in my life, whether it be through a friendship or relationship, that simply don’t get it. They don’t understand the constant need to be challenged and I find myself always explaining to them why I have to put school before seeing them, or why I need to get a certain grade to be satisfied. Then, when these people decide they can’t be that challenge you need, they bail. When they can’t tolerate your explanation for being busy, they call it an ‘excuse’ and walk away. When you tell them something they may not want to hear out of tough love, they shut down and stick their head in the sand in denial, like an ostrich. A lot of times I’ve been blessed with the best, but more often than not those people are too worried about the power of my ambition to stick around. Can you imagine how much that would suck? I guess it makes me independent in a way, but sometimes that extra push is great, from a special someone. I’ve learnt to hustle in silence but it does make my day when I’m congratulated on achieving a high position at something I worked hard for, or for getting that 4.0 GPA. However, the only time that congratulations truly matters is if the person congratulating me is goal-oriented and determined, like myself. Those are the opinions I value the most and respect the most. It’s a harsh reality to hear, I’m sure, but accepting congratulations from someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes seems wrong. Do you get my thought process? I shouldn’t expect anyone to get it when I hold my expectations for myself and others this high, but at least on the positive side, I know what I want and I’m that much closer to getting it everyday.
The key takeaway? When you know what you want out of your life as much as I do, you can easily separate what feels right from what feels wrong, in terms of both occupations and personal friendships/relationships. From these thoughts, I’ve grown as a person, learning to cut off friends once I feel that our friendship is fizzling out. I’ve learnt to push forward even on the worst of days, giving 110 percent into all that I do, without fail.
Ambition addicts don’t have control over the thoughts that eat them up at night, but they’re very clear about their goals, which is an asset, in my opinion. We grow dependent on a constant cycle of determination and validation that others might not necessarily need. Our goals grow larger and faster with achieving at the forefront of our mind. We rely on perfect grades and put-togetherness to boost our seratonin; as awful as it sounds, it’s my reality.
By writing this article, I wanted to clear up the thoughts that an ambition addict might have, just so you’re more aware that most times, they can’t actually help how they’re feeling or what they’re saying. I know I can’t — I acknowledge that even after hitting ‘publish’ on this piece, some of my friends still might not understand what goes on inside my head. That’s okay, I’d never expect them to (nor want them to!) There is so much exhaustion that comes with the will to succeed that there’s no telling how it’ll affect me mentally in the long run. For now though, I can promise you that I’ll make being an ambition addict worth it, for myself and anyone else who thinks they can stick around to cheer me on as I chase my dreams.