It all started on a Friday.
I opened my email inbox to find out that I was hired as an entertainment reporter for a media company.
I got the job. I was content. Not thrilled- just content. Why? I was relieved that I didn’t fail.
Don’t get me wrong: aim high, aim for the best, do the exceptional- but be aware of why you’re doing it.
There’s a certain power in not gulping at the thought of failure, and it’s a power that takes much time to inherit. But from whom do we inherit this power from? Our peers, family, ourselves? Without diluting the importance of external factors, I’ve summed it up to a power that is inherited by a series of soul-searching. The good news? It’s not incurable. The bad news? Soul-searching isn’t as ethereal as one would hope…it’s very isolating.
To understand why I had placed success as a safeguarding amulet that would ward off all my insecurities and misgivings, I was forced to understand the source of my confidence. It wasn’t so easy and mauve there are other ways to ‘soul search’, but here are some good ways to start.
Where does your confidence stem from? Mine had always been numerical, grade-based affirmations of my intelligence. Thanks a lot, neoliberalism.
Then, I had to understand why I was so afraid of failure. Admitting that I failed? Dealing with the repercussions? Alas, the reason was far more sobering, devoid of epiphanic qualities.
If you’re familiar with LSAT logic, the opposite of hot is not-hot, the opposite of black is not-black, the opposite of short is not short…you get the idea. Though I despised the hours I hunched over my large LSAT prep guide, at least I know this much: the opposite of success is not-success, and not succeeding does not equate to failure.
So, you’re probably wondering, what does non-success actually equate to? Perhaps to do this, we should define what success actually equates to.
For me, success has always been an amalgamation of numbers, grades, honor rolls, and honorary mentions. Bleak, right? Give me some credit, I’m a Master’s student. The only true high points in my life have been letters of acceptance and the promise of a good GPA. While these are privileged metrics of success, and perhaps even a shade of wonderful, they are not the only things that matter. What’s even more troubling is that even though I’ve ticked off all the boxes on my ‘to-do’ list, made my parents proud and won the admiration of those around me, I am panic-stricken that one failure will topple me off of my high horse and send me into an irreversible plunge.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, spewing platitudes like, “it’s okay to fail,” I’ll start off by saying that sometimes, it is actually not okay to fail. Sometimes, it’s painful and even heartbreaking to fail. Anyone who tells you differently needs to rethink what their idea of success is.
My comprehension of success had been conditioned by false affirmations and guarantees, and finally, I felt powerful knowing that the foundation of logic was decaying. But it was okay.
Success is not an amulet against failure…in fact, it’s damaging to think this way. There is more power in not being afraid to fail than there is in succeeding. A few months ago, a sentiment like this would have been difficult to fathom, but today, I consider it a truth that I must remind myself of, even when things become difficult.
These days, in my carefully crafted universe, failure is not associated with much. It’s as sobering as a rainy day, and I’m trying to treat it less and less like an atomic bomb that has the capacity to debilitate me if I drop it.
The answer may shock you.
On Saturday morning, I opened up my inbox again, and hit ‘reply’ to the job offer from the media company. I kindly declined the job whilst extending my gratitude for their consideration. It wasn’t difficult to do, but it also wasn’t easy. I wasn’t sure why I wanted the job. Sure, I applied because I thought that I could do it, but my logic was motivated by my aversion to failure.
How did I get here? I came to terms that success is not a metric, in fact, success is really an illusory bogeyman that often is the vehicle of my motivations. It’s okay to be ambitious, in fact, why shouldn’t one shoot for the stars? At the same token, one should ask themself, “why am I trying to succeed?”
As my fingers hovered over my keyboard after I had sent my email, my daily horoscope appeared in my inbox, (yes, I know that there’s a risk in believing every word of such magical mantras), but that day, the message couldn’t have been more sonorous. My horoscope read, “Yesterday never happened. Today will be wonderful.” Call it silly, call it trivial- but it translated to something much deeper. One will never be tied down to their failures. Rather, one will always be tied down to their fear of failure unless they finally let go.