An Open Letter to My Ex-Best Friend

Dear ex-best friend,

I’m not writing this to say that I hate you, or that I want to be friends with you again. I’m writing this letter to get the closure I wasn’t allowed to have. We used to be inseparable. It was always me and you. Everyone thought that we were the type of friends that would be each others maid of honor, be honorary aunts to each other’s children, and simply grow old together. I thought that too. It’s hard to think about your best friend resenting you -- about them cutting you out of their life without a second thought. It’s hard to go through it too.

I’m just wondering why you did the thing you promised me you would never do? Why did you abandon me? Even worse, you left me without an explanation. You left me without answers, longing for the truth.

You left me when I thought I was at my worst, when I was trying so hard to tell you something so intimate as my hurting mental health. You didn’t want to listen. Every time I tried to bring up the courage to tell you my story you cancelled our plans to spend time with your new boyfriend; now ex-boyfriend.

I left on a plane for two weeks, and when I got back you had replaced me. You had become best friends with another girl and you put me on silent. I felt like I was screaming for help but all you could see was my mouth moving, choosing to keep me muted. I was drowning in my own tears. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you -- for anyone really. That’s when I realized I hadn’t hit my worst, but you leaving me, that was what really killed me.

I had no one. No one that I could talk to. You took all of our friends away from me, at least, that’s what happened for a while. It was as heart wrenching as a romantic breakup, maybe even worse. You gave me panic attacks, eight to be exact. I missed you. I missed being happy. You were toxic. I was alone, walking through a grayscale world.

You kept luring me in, saying you were sorry. I got so many long messages from you trying to justify your actions. I know our mutual friends made you send those. You blamed me for our breakup, but I still don’t know why, and I still don’t know why I sometimes miss you. You were as cold as a blizzard to me, you froze me, yet I still miss the snowflakes. I never forgot all of the fun we had together but now, I have to question. How much of it was fake?

You broke me. I was a little porcelain figure on the shelf and you were the stuffed dolly sitting next to me, eventually pushing me off the shelf to smash into dozens of pieces on the cold, hard floor. How can I still miss you when I still cry myself to sleep at night? How can I still miss you when you made me think that no one loved me? I was always there for you. All I asked was for you to be there for me too.

In the time that you’ve been missing from my life I have made new friends. Thanks to them, I know my worth. I now know what kind of people I deserve to have in my life. So, I guess in a way, this is a thank you. A thank you for showing me that contrary to every 12-year-old girl’s belief, some friendships don’t last forever. For showing me that sometimes you deserve more than what you have in a specific moment, and if you truly deserve it, it will come to you.

Sincerely,

The friend you walked away from

Having a toxic friend is something I thought would ever happen to me, could never happen to me. I was under the impression that toxic friends don’t happen to good people. That toxic friends and the manipulation that follows only happens in movies. That this kind of drama didn’t happen in reality. I couldn’t have been more naive. The manipulative prey on good people. On the people they know will care for them. Once they cannot control you, they will try and manipulate what others think of you. They will distort your reputation.

In reality, this happens to most people at some point in their life. It’s a test of strength and resilience. Certain people can’t live in your world forever and that’s okay. If someone makes you constantly anxious and second guess yourself, they probably aren’t staying your friend for the right reasons. It is okay to let someone go but not to harm mentally or physically. You will always benefit from killing them with kindness.