I am proud to publicly say growing up I was undoubtedly a chubby child. I did not notice this aspect about myself until around age 12, which was also the time that I was fully shoved into the peak of puberty. Consequently, I also stopped growing at a ripe height of 5’1.
These labels I had given myself – fat, chubby, short – have stuck with me and up until today, have not seemed to loosen their grip.
These insecurities completely interfered with certain aspects of my life, especially romantically. I masked my unreadiness to engage with people through excuses such as: people don’t like me, I’m not pretty enough, I’m fat, I’m ugly.
Those things were definitely not true but I constantly reaffirmed to myself they were. I held myself back while my friends took steps that I wasn’t willing or ready to take.
I have reached a point now where I am sick of those internalized put-downs.
Only, this realization was delivered to me in a way I was not expecting.
My mother recently revealed to me she has a set of tarot cards from when she was a teenager. I looked at her, amazed. Why has she not told me this before?
As a person who isn’t much into superstition or astrology apart from occasionally peeking at my horoscope in a Cosmopolitan magazine, these cards intrigued me but most of all, made me skeptical.
Using a book that accompanied the deck, we set up a full ceremony. A scarf was laid out on the table with a single candle beside us.
While setting up I realized that many, myself included, believe in the misconception that tarot cards tell the future. Instead, tarot cards are meant to provide guidance for a person with a specific question or query in their lives.
My mind immediately went to my romantic situation – or lack thereof. Why don’t people like me?
The specific tarot system that I used was the Chakra Reading, which is meant to communicate a person’s strengths, internal disturbances and how they manifest.
The text explained a person has seven chakras that are connected to a different part of your body. The chakras are sending and receiving centers for spiritual energies. The cards in my tarot card deck each refer to one of the chakras.
As I pulled and revealed each card, they were obviously all different but communicated the same message; my strengths lie in my emotional fortitude and creativity. My disturbances, the cards said, are negative thinking and lack of self-love.
It was like my eyes suddenly opened for the first time. I was already aware of these aspects of myself. My friends and family have noticed these disturbances that I faced before. Why did I have to do a tarot card reading to finally see and feel it?
That weekend I went out with a few friends. I was ready to test the theories of the cards. What would happen if I tucked my insecurities away for a night?
Well, something happened. I had fun.
I wasn’t thinking about how I looked or who was watching. I danced. I didn’t care. We talked to new people and made some friends in passing.
I don’t want to blame this sudden confidence on alcohol either because that is not what pushed me to step out of my comfort zone. What pushed me was the assurance that I was with my good friends and the alleviated pressure of trying to find someone to romantically impress in the time that we were out.
Only, that wasn’t all that happened.
My friends and I were standing outside to figure out our transportation home when someone walked over and started a conversation with me. He was nice, flirty, fun and then asked for my Instagram handle. My mind swirled. Is this happening?
Out of impulse and pride for the steps I took forward that night I gave my instagram to him.
I would not say I am cured of my internal talk by any means but rather, I see a way forward. I have convinced myself that my negativity is just part of me and my neurosis.
But now I wonder if it has to be.