For the modern generation, self-care is a vital part of everyday life. From morning meditations to late-night skincare routines, young people have shown much more interest in the importance of taking care of themselves both physically and mentally than their predecessors.
The vast majority of the self-care movement’s impact has been positive. Many people believe the self-care movement has helped decrease the stigma associated with mental illness and create healthier work environments. Various Instagram pages dedicated to giving self-care a platform aim to show people how to take care of themselves and what behaviours to stop engaging in.
With the increased exposure of a movement though, comes misconstructions and thus misunderstandings of what self-care actually is. Many people will do anything in the name of self-care or personal improvement and feel that it is the right decision. One of the most popular “self-care” actions is ghosting your friends.
With a quick google search, you can find countless articles about the apparent importance of cutting people out of your life, including one from the website Bolde UK titled “My Favourite Form Of Self Care is Cutting Toxic People Out Of My Life”, which outlines the many reasons to cut off a friend but seemingly leaves out the option of having a conversation about their so-called toxicity.
It doesn’t just stop at articles though, the encouragement to alienate yourself from ex-friends is everywhere, including those aforementioned Instagram pages. Many seemingly informational posts will list an endless list of “toxic” behaviours. The real problem with this is that the behaviours are often associated with mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression that a person may not be able to control at times. As well, these posts more often than not, are created by anonymous pages with no proof of professional licensing.
This idea that you must cut someone off in the name of self-care puts limitations on one’s personal growth and perpetuates the idea that people cannot change. I, myself was recently excommunicated from a group of friends for a set of behaviours that occurred after a breakdown. I have diagnosed anxiety and panic disorder and at times find it hard to control how I cope with feelings of stress or hurt. I certainly acknowledge the pain I caused my friends but after being cut off, I’m unable to share the growth I have made or properly apologize for my actions. How everyone copes with their mental illnesses is different and the idea that toxic behaviour makes someone a bad person is extremely limiting.
After posting a call-out to my social media accounts, I realized that I was not alone in this feeling of limitation and a few of my followers came forward with their experiences being labelled as toxic.
Mara Di Persio, a second-year psychology student at Brock University said how a friend of hers perceived anxious behaviours as manipulation.
“Obviously I cannot control when I have panic attacks, but this person perceived it as being toxic and me trying to manipulate them. Coincidentally this person also stopped talking to me in the name of self-care,” said Di Persio.
“Ghosting people is rarely a good solution to anything but it’s a part of today’s culture, unfortunately.”
Mikellie Clarkson, a second-year sociology student at Brock University shared a similar sentiment, describing her experience being disconnected from people for various reasons including being energetic and hanging out with her boyfriend, or being a less-social texter.
While sympathizing with the fact that “sometimes people have to suffer for the benefit of the other and vice-versa”, Clarkson agreed that it is integral to weigh the validity of reasoning for cutting someone off.
Sometimes, cutting off a friendship can seem like the only option, which Ryerson professional communications student Kareena Bhatia exemplified in a story she shared with me.
Bhatia said that after getting into a new relationship, a close friend of hers started acting much differently and they began to drift apart. Eventually, the friendship got unsafe and the boyfriend began sending Bhatia threatening messages and showing up at her school. After distancing herself from the situation things improved drastically.
“I kind of just cut her off because I couldn’t take the mental stress anymore and as soon as I cut her off I got over things and realized that I needed to focus on myself more, I actually became really good at school,” said Bhatia.
But the story doesn’t end here, Bhatia said she saw her estranged friend a few years later and began to question if cutting her off completely was the best decision.
“She had lost so much weight, her hair was thinning out, she started looking super stressed and upset and anxious all the time, I could see it in her face,” said Bhatia.
“It was crazy because we didn’t know what she was going through at the time when we cut her off and it was evident that she needed help and to this day I get flashbacks because I feel so bad.”
In retrospect, Bhatia said she realizes that removing herself from the situation was probably for the best, but other things could have been done that she didn’t realize at the time. Luckily, the friend is said to be doing much better now and is in a new, healthier relationship.
While I am by no means opposed to ending friendships, this should happen after meaningful conversations with the person, following attempts to correct behaviours. As well if a person is in any way hurting you or putting you in danger, that is a valid reason to remove them from your life.
Self-care is a broad term, it should be focused more on self-improvement than the ex-communication of others in your life. With a market of companies capitalizing off of self-care and social media accounts spreading misinformation, make sure to research what truly constitutes self-care and what is harmful behaviour disguised as such.
To learn more about the self-care movement check out these articles:
https://isfglobal.org/what-is-self-care/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-self-care-is-and-what-it-isnt-2#1
https://www.vice.com/en/article/zmdwm4/the-young-and-the-uncared-for-v25n4