My First Love: An Ode to You

There’s a part of all of us that hopes and wishes that our first love will be our last. The sensations and feelings we experience with our first love is unlike anything we've ever felt before. You find yourself thinking it’s impossible to feel this way about anyone else. All break-ups are hard but first loves are the hardest, especially when reality hits and you realize it didn’t work out. I know, this got morbid really quick, but I’m not going to continue rambling on about the pitfalls of first loves. Instead, this is about appreciating everything they’ve taught us.

(Photo by Courtney Hedger on Unsplash

Now, I’ll be honest; I was a non-believer. I didn’t believe in romantic love; I thought it was a hoax. It just didn’t seem possible to me when some relationships somehow end and divorces occur. I’ve also seen all my friends hurt by guys and that was always something I never wanted to put myself through. After all, if it’s really love, aren’t you supposed to stay together? Yet, I was proven wrong. Perhaps, for the better.

(Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash)

I downloaded Tinder a little over a year ago out of boredom, not really expecting much. I matched with a guy who we’ll call O; I was immediately drawn to his style and messaging him felt easy. It was flirtatious without me having to try too hard and without it feeling forced. After meeting him for the first time, there was an instant connection and I couldn’t stop smiling afterward. As they say, the rest was history.

(Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash)

While being in the relationship, the thing I was scared of the most was when and how it would end. I’ve always given my all in other romantic relationships and friendships. Yet, in the end, when it doesn’t work out it suddenly becomes terrifying that someone you have no contact with anymore knows the most intimate details about you. However, after coming out of this relationship I don’t have that fear anymore. There was a time period where we were both really happy in the relationship. Even though it’s done, I know we still care for one another. I’ve realized the ones who truly love and care for your well-being aren’t out to get you or spite you. Instead, they wish you well and want nothing but the best for you.  

(Photo by MARK ADRIANE on Unsplash)

Even though you’ll never see this or read it:

To O,

Thank you for teaching me to love and care for someone without fear. To love wholeheartedly with compassion, understanding, and gentleness. Thank you for always listening to me ramble on about whatever and comforting me when I was mad or upset, even if it was towards you. Thank you for always trying to visit me, even if it was only for a day; I know it was hard. Thank you for trying so hard to make our relationship work and not giving up, even at the very end. I sometimes still wake up expecting a good morning text. I can’t imagine who I’d be if I didn’t meet you, probably still loathing men honestly. You managed to break through and make a home in my heart and a part of you still remains. Every moment with you felt like I was dreaming, the two of us floating above the clouds and the rest of the world. Now, I’m frightened at the thought of what or who comes after you. You were the first but not the last.