All universities across the country are now free due to the spectacular drop in American stock prices, particularly that of the Dow Jones, and the consequent boost to the Canadian economy. Alumni who have graduated within the last five years will receive full reimbursement.
Because of this miraculous economic boost, the Canadian federal government has put aside 30 billion dollars to fix and rebuild the country’s infrastructure. Most notably, the Toronto Transit Commission has added new subway lines into the suburbs and the new subway cars have finally replaced all of the old ones. All ticketing methods have been digitized, catching up to the 21st century. However, due to these changes, Torontonians are struggling to be angry and other Canadians are struggling to find ways to complain about Torontonians. This has put a new existential strain on Canadian internal relations.
Meanwhile, the United States is struggling to cope with this economic “mood swing” (the official term because many members of Congress and the president’s closest staffers refuse to acknowledge the reality of “depression”). Members of the press corps and the public have suggested seeking economic aid from allies, especially Canada. However, press secretary Sean Spicer has affirmed that the problem is all in their heads and that the U.S. government refuses to seek aids, as they will simply become crutches.
Across the pond, the United Kingdom has patched things up with its on-again off-again partner, the European Union. After years of a turbulent relationship, they have finally decided to stop playing games and commit to each other one hundred percent. It will be the wedding of the century, with Angela Merkel as the officiant. More importantly, it will not be a heteronormative wedding, as both the U.K. and the E.U. refuse to label themselves with restrictive identities.
Being in such a “mood dip,” the U.S. plans to lure Russia into taking her as a plus-one to the UK-EU wedding. They have already had a string of affairs that might just match the passion, fervour and tumultuousness of the UK-EU relationship. Russia may take the U.S. as a date due to their history, but tensions remain strong and the U.S. will have to show herself worthy of being a date. On the other hand, Russia, despite her brooding mysteriousness and hard-to-get demeanour, is starting to lose favours among the ladies due to the fresh, rich and learned hunk that is Canada.
Because of its free university system, many more talented scholars have been admitted to study and do research, allowing only the best and most passionate teachers be professors so that students actually learn something. This division has put Canadian higher education at the top of the world, with schools like Oxbridge begging the Canadians for their secret.
The most remarkable change in the Canadian academia is the renewed interest in philosophy, whose reputation has been previously thought to be up in the air. Since the decline of science in the U.S., philosophers across the Western world have taken advantage of the post-truth world, in which hard scientific facts matter none.
This renewed interest has allowed philosophers to actually do field research, whereas before they’ve only dug deeper into their own brains and, with that, their own graves. After searching for truth for more than a millennium, philosophers have finally found it in the form of 42 coprolites, deep in the ocean where the remains of Atlantis lies. Unfortunately, despite and because of this ground-breaking discovery, philosophers are facing an internal fracturing: existentialists and skeptics are rounding up to protest the reality of truth, while others are protesting their loss of jobs.
Yet the most common complaint seen on social media from philosophers is the increasing popularity of the discipline, which irks younger philosophy students and academics, as the primary reason they chose the field was to become special snowflakes.
Regardless of these internal glitches, Canada’s superiority over the United States is now affirmed. In turn, this change confirms, more than ever, that Canada has always been the greatest country in the world, with no history of discrimination, genocide or slavery.