As I packed up my walk-up apartment with my mother and stuffed her SUV with boxes of coffee capsules, Ziploc bags full of clothing and a cat tree for my emotional support kitten Chai, I had no idea my life would be changing so drastically. This past fall semester I moved into the dorms as a Resident Advisor. I was very happy to be chosen for the position and thrilled at the location and view of my bedroom (as was Chai). I wasn’t necessarily looking for friends. I was planning on focusing on school, work, artistic endeavors and traveling to visit my long-distance boyfriend at the time. And I definitely wasn’t the most outspoken or bubbly person out of the RAs, so I thought mostly I’d just keep to myself.
The first semester of this school year, I truly clicked with many people within the housing community and made friends quickly. Along with making new friends, I also lost some. Most of my friends I had made outside of school were people I had met while living in New York City through my then-boyfriend. I went from knowing around 30 people to pretending I didn’t know any of them once my then-boyfriend and I had broken up.
I think the most painful loss was my then-best friend. I loved her so much, and when our friendship was sort of crumbling, it felt like my whole world was too. Then I remembered how I made a life for myself at school and my own little world outside of her and everyone we had in common. All at once, it all seemed easier to let go of.
Of course when I love people, I never stop loving them — even if they have wronged me. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad trait to have, but it’s a part of who I am. I think that’s what makes it so painful — letting people go — because even though they have left your life the memories will stay with you forever. I think in terms of loss it’s important to remember you can still care for people, you can still miss them, but know they are not meant to be your friends in this chapter of your life.
This school year was definitely one of the most taxing of them all. It had a little bit of everything; break-ups, first dates, fallouts with friends, blossoming friendships and the heavy toll of tough classes, all while trying to love myself and understand my decisions.
My friend group before this school year was so concrete — I had the same friends for the past three years (from my time living in the city), and I never thought anything would change. I’m happy that it did though. Not to say my friends before were bad people, because they were not, but maybe we just weren’t meant to be friends. Or at least not now.
When I was younger my mother constantly told me, “You’ll never know where life will take you,” and I always thought to myself how I would know exactly where it would take me. Well, what do people say? “Mother knows best.”