Do you ever feel like when you are working on something that you just want and need it to be perfect? While other times it goes beyond perfection, for you it must be quintessential, out and out, downright flawless, with no room for a single line outside the box? That is perfectionism.
You may identify with the trait and call yourself a “perfectionist” when you are very critical of yourself and sometimes others, you are hard-working, focus on imperfections, and try to control every detail. In some cases there is nothing wrong with this; you may simply have great attention to detail and really push yourself to succeed, while other times it crosses a line. You find yourself being driven by fear. You procrastinate. You feel almost depressed when your goals aren’t met. You define your worth based on success. You don’t feel good enough. The lack of control over every detail stresses you out, and oftentimes you aren’t able to celebrate such successes because “it could have been more perfect.” This is when the trait of perfectionism can bring you down as a form of anxiety.
But don’t worry, there are many ways that you can control it and use it to your advantage! Like many things in life, going through the process of change is the first step, which is recognition of the issue at hand and accepting that it is happening to you. It might surprise you, but you are not alone in this if you feel the pressure of perfectionism. Whichever way this trait led to you, whether it stems from your childhood, high expectations from individuals or your need to prove something, many people feel it — especially with the growing influence of social media where many things appear to be “perfect.” But what does “perfection” even mean? Who defines it? Who establishes those standards? Why do we accept and follow them?
Actress Lana Condor, who star in the Netflix movie To All The Boys, said in an episode of Hi Anxiety, a mental health podcast, “You see other perfect lives and your life isn’t like that. And so if I go out, and people see that my life isn’t perfect, I’m afraid they’ll judge me.” To some, it may seem like a small thing, and it’s easier said than done to just live your life and stay off social media. For others, perfectionism can turn into something bigger, such as anxiety, eating disorders, stress and other mental health issues.
So what can you actually do about your perfection trait if you recognize that you need and want to do something about it?
To start, understanding when your perfectionism trait kicks in and why is important. There is the “self-oriented” perfectionist who places the pressure on themself. There is the “other-oriented” perfectionist who expects perfection from others around them. And there is the “socially-prescribed” perfectionist whose pressure comes from an external place in society.
The difference between being a perfectionist and simply thriving off of healthy competition is in fact the standard that is placed on you and recognizing whether you are just setting yourself up for failure. Now say you are working on an assignment and you want to get an A+. Being a perfectionist doesn’t just mean that you are striving for that “perfect grade.” It’s the standards associated with and the work that goes in to getting that grade that set perfectionists apart from others.
Studies from Brown University highlighted that perfectionism can be a vicious cycle. You set an unrealistic goal and you fail it. Failure makes you less productive or efficient, and you then blame yourself. The outcome of this blamee can be negative and can harm your mental health, which sets off the vicious cycle again. Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to try harder the next time, as that is positive and shows dedication and determination. However, there’s a blurry line between high standards and aiming unrealistically high. The latter is a perfectionist.
Improvement, growth and change are all processes that take time. As a perfectionist, you cannot also believe that results will occur in a day. But here are some strategies you can practice to let your perfectionism help you or help it.
- Recognize that you have very high standards. Your work stands out from others and that is something to be proud of. There will always be someone better at something, who will do “better” than you, which also means you may be doing something better too. But recognizing your efforts, your results, what the standards were for the assignment, and what you achieved can help you feel more positive about your accomplishments.
- You are motivated, determined and persistent, and that is an impressive thing. Appreciate those things! Use them when setting your goals and take on a realistic approach for a change. Ask yourself out loud — not just silently thinking in the back of your head, “Is this a realistic goal? Can I achieve this?” Set a line of satisfaction.
- To avoid stressing out and hyper-controlling all the details when working on a task, look at the greater picture. Sometimes stepping away from a situation and coming back to it later can give you a different perspective.
- Don’t compare yourself to others — that will only hurt you. By doing that, you are letting others define what “perfect” means when in reality everyone has their own definition of it. It is easier said than done to not to compare ourselves because it is all around us, especially in the social media world. But don’t let it be an evaluation of your self-worth. Every story always has more than one perspective to it, so why are you letting an Instagram post, which is only one side of the story, dictate your thoughts?
- Don’t let the process intimidate you and don’t let fear be the reason you give up. Accept that it is okay to fail sometimes; often it’s when you learn the most. Remember it is not just about the result, because once you achieve it, then what? There will always be something after so appreciate the process and learn from it.
- Have a way to reflect on how you are doing. The first time you tried something you may have done it one way and failed. The second time you may have done it differently and still failed but did you learn something from it? Are you a little closer to your goal now? Have you found the next things you need to do to achieve your goal? Good. That’s progress! It means you are growing and on a path to doing better.