Hi, I’m Alcohol Annie. Tonight, I got my hands on two free cups of red wine at an event. This is partially the reason why I’m making this anonymous. The day my employers Google my name as part of a job application and discover my series revolving around my drunk alter-ego engaging in self-destruction, will be the death of me.
So, gather around readers and get ready for me to spill my guts. Maybe grab some tissues if you cry easily.
Here’s my story of having feelings for a friend who was in a relationship and how I imploded our friendship because of it.
Last year, I was in a rollercoaster relationship with a boy who we’ll call “Ronnie” for the time being. All names in this piece are changed for the sake of all parties involved. I had a lot of love for Ronnie at the time, but our relationship weighed on me, I was crying everyday for all kinds of reasons. It could’ve been anything, from something he said, to something he didn’t say. Then, I met Lucy. It was about January, it was cold. I never thought anything of it at first. Sure, she was attractive, but I wasn’t attracted to her in that sense at first. She was funny, a bit taller, a good cook, and great company. We were both in similar situations when it came to our love lives and bonded over that. I met her family, she met mine. We had a lot of adventures together that I’ll always have as memories, including both the good and bad ones. One of the semi-bad ones was when I was quite intoxicated one night and she had to help me down to safety from singing Kacey Musgraves on top of the kitchen table. Things went from semi-bad from really bad after that.
Being attracted to both men and women is something I’ve had a real emotional struggle with. With Lucy, she was open about her bisexuality. In some ways, I respected her for that. In other ways, I envied her. I felt guilty, and still do, for not being as open as she was to people, to her family, to the world. Lucy and her boyfriend ended up on a break, leading her into the Tinder-verse. I was both envious of how open she was with her sexuality when it came to hook-ups with other women, yet envious of those women as well. I think subconsciously that’s when I started having emotions towards her, thus leading to the demise of our friendship.
I can be a destructive fuck-up and push people away on purpose in relationships. But that’s jupming ahead, we’ll get to that part later.
One time, we were watching T.V. in either her room or mine, I can’t remember which. What I do remember is how at one point, her arm kept touching mine and I pulled away. I was uncomfortable with how I felt, especially since Lucy was on again with her boyfriend. Around March, he came to visit and I met him. In my mind, I was thinking, “A girl like her? With him?” He was an average looking white boy. Plus, I hated his zodiac sign. I know, I know, looks and astrology aren’t everything. He was a nice person and they seemed to like each other. I shut down my thoughts.
I was becoming increasingly stressed with class loads. Ronnie and I broke up for good. I had called Lucy that night while I was bawling on the bathroom floor and we just talked. The person I lived with was stealing my things. I was depressed and felt like the world was crumbling more and more around me. She was dealing with the same stress and called me crying over it once as well. I was stupid and upset about something else and I wish I had listened to her more. I cared about her a lot and deep down, I still do. I just never knew how to convey it.
Lucy’s boyfriend was in town around my birthday. She invited me to come hang out with them. I said no. I said that I didn’t want to get high, and part of that was true. I also didn’t want to feel incredibly uncomfortable around the two of them together. I couldn’t handle being their third wheel on top of everything else going on.
By the end of the year, Lucy and I got in a destructive fight. It was all my fault. Every day since, I wish I could go back and undo my actions. Maybe we’d still speak. Maybe she’d be in the kitchen of my apartment right now and I’d make us dinner again. She went to do something that I wanted us to do together. It was something so little and stupid. I was going back home for the summer. I said “Fuck it.” I needed time to think. I had done it before, but I decided I needed to “ghost” Lucy again in an attempt to give myself space and make sense of things. She was pissed. We were done.
Lucy felt like I never listened to her. She was right. And for that, I’m truly sorry. I was always in my own head around her. I wish I hadn’t been so stressed last semester, maybe I would’ve dealt with it better. Maybe I should’ve reached out to a school therapist.
I went back home for three months. I went back to my old life. One of my friends was killed by her boyfriend in July. I had no one to talk to about it. I have no idea what happened to Lucy in that time. I tried to reach out to her to see if she’d be open to making plans since we got back to school. I got no reply. It broke my heart. I saw her for the first time since on a Wednesday in late October. Neither of us said anything. I didn’t know what to say. We just passed each other, stared, and kept going on with our lives. I went in the bathroom and cried.
How do you tell your friend that you might have feelings for them? I never knew how. Being bisexual shouldn’t be anything to be ashamed of, so why do I feel so ashamed? I was having this internal battle in my head and I couldn’t talk to my best friend about it.
I still see her on social media, pictures of her going out and having fun. She seems happy. After my breakup with Ronnie, I’ve been on Tinder and Hinge as well. This new semester, Lucy popped up on Tinder. I wanted to reach out and ask: Are you okay? What happened with you and your boyfriend? But I didn’t. I couldn’t. It’s not my place anymore. I swiped left.
I feel so sorry and shitty for how I treated Lucy because of my internal struggling. She looks like someone I no longer recognize and it’s a weird feeling. She looks and seems different. She changed her hair. I think that’s it.
I need to go on with my day. Life goes on for her, it should for me too. I bury my emotions with the bottle for another night.
I continue swiping.
Sincerely,
Alcohol Annie