In November, you reached out to me.
I was honestly so happy that day that I saw your message. I felt a new, unexplainable rush with you. You were constantly on my mind, and I felt a gut instinct telling me that you were good for me. I created a vision of you and I in my head. It was so blissful and, dare I say, I was deluded in a state of euphoria.
We spoke and for a good three months, everything seemed amazing. I was so happy. Every love song I heard was a reminder of you. Captions for VSCO posts soon became strung with romantic lyrics, and I had never felt more confident or happy all throughout quarantine. I became enamored with you. I told everyone I knew about you. Friends commented that you brought about a new glow to my face, and my friends, ever so supportive, endured hours and hours of conversation and visions that I had about you. To me, you were perfect, and I was ready to accept any flaws that you had. I loved seeing your face every single day, and talking to you had become the highlight of my day.
I tried to take it slow, believe me. But after interacting with you face-to-face for the first time, I can swear that I lost track of all time talking to you. At that moment, I felt that our conversation was so deep and profound, and it was so easy to speak with you. I came off that call, convinced that I had met my best friend. So many flaws that you possessed mirrored mine, but with different circumstances. However, you embraced mine and made me feel a way that nobody else had.
But through the midst of three months worth of flirtatious banter and chatter, I began to notice the red flags. Short conversation, brief commentary, and a general disinterest. I tried so hard. So hard. And I did the worst thing that a person can do to themself — I put YOU first. I have a habit of doing that, and it’s something that I need to work on. With my twisted logic, it was okay to feel pain at your expense.
You never cared about me, unless I made the conversation about myself. And when you went dark, I was the one putting forth effort and avoiding the thought of losing you. Sometimes our conversations would end in argument, and you always wanted to be right, and with my uncompromising and stubborn mentality, so did I. Amidst everything, I was always at blame and I tried to defend you to everyone, but everyone constantly pointed out how problematic our relationship was. As they always say, infatuation blinds you.
I cared so much about you that I lost myself in the process. I’m repulsed that I gave it my all and fell into it, taking interest in what you liked and liking you for who you are when you didn’t do the same for me. In hindsight, I’m relieved this ended. I’m glad that you didn’t want to carry on the conversation. Nothing about this felt natural. It was incredibly forced on my end. You opened wounds that I thought I had previously healed from. I felt that I had to catch your eye, had to impress you, and show how worthy I was. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I had the capacity to love you so hard, when you had also made me cry more than any other person that I’ve known. No person should waste so many tears on someone. You made comments to me that now looking back, I’m not sure if they were truly genuine or backhanded. I always had to prove with you. Prove that I was right, prove that I was enough, and prove that I was worthy. I wish I had noticed how selfish you were, as that would’ve indicated right then and there that you lacked the space to love someone other than yourself. Yet, I ignored it all. You were great on paper, but when it came time to interview, you were in fact, unfit. It opened up my eyes to how toxic this was. This was a relationship in my life that wasn’t made to last.
I feel like my heart was ripped out and toyed around with. I shared everything that I could with you. I let my guard down, thinking that I could be myself with you. But I cannot. I jumped the gun and was too quick to let you see the secrets I had stowed away. I now know my worth. And I’m sad that it took eight months to reconcile with that fact. I don’t have time for people that have hurt me, caused me confusion, and drained my energy. You are not worth it.
I am so much stronger and resilient than I ever thought I was. You were meant to come into my life for a reason, and I believe that you’ve helped set the bar even higher with my already high standards. When I put you first, I had never loathed myself more. It’s going to take a while to resolve whatever pain and suffering I feel, but I’ll get over you.
Regardless, I will always remember you and the lessons you taught me. And I am so thankful for that.