Ah, Thanksgiving. That much-needed respite before finals where we get to go home, gather together with our families, give thanks for what we have, and have every single one of our life choices questioned by relatives we see once a year.
Going home for the holidays can be a really nice time, but when you’re in college, it can be a bit frustrating too. When you’re away most of the year, “catching up” can start to feel more like an interrogation, even if you’re fortunate enough to have a good relationship with your relatives.
With all this in mind, I’ve brought up 5 conversations you might find yourself in, and some tactful ways to respond that will (hopefully) satisfy their curiosity while maintaining your privacy and comfort.
Awkward Moment #1: “What, no hug for Uncle Creepy?”
Girls, boys, others, let’s get one thing out there right now: You are never obligated to let someone touch you if you don’t want them too. If there’s a member of the family you’re uncomfortable around, (whether they’re genuinely creepy or they just smell bad), know that you have the right to say “no” when they pester you for hugs.
Of course, saying “no” directly might lead to more confrontation than you’ve got the energy to deal with, so you may want to try to be more subtle.
One way to get out of this is, when greeting everyone, go for a handshake. Keep your back straight and extend your arm, don’t lean in. Pretend you’re in a job interview. This will send a message that you don’t want a hug, and will earn you bonus comments of “oh, look how grown-up you are now!” Do this with everyone, so it doesn’t seem like you’re singling them out, and then track down anybody you DO really want a hug from later.
Awkward Moment #2: “So, how’s the hunt for the old J-O-B coming?”
I don’t know about you, but this is the one I get all the time, since my first semester. Of course, if you’re a freshman through junior, the answer is easy:
“I’m focusing on my studies for now, I’ll worry about that later.” This should be all you have to say, and if they keep prying, just smile and nod.
Of course, if you’re a senior, you’re not going to get away with that anymore. “Graduation’s not that far off,” as they’ll be quick to tell you.
So what do you do now? Start extolling the virtues of your advisor and CSSE, of course. Even if you’ve never been to Career Services in your life, you don’t have to tell your relatives that. You just have to tell them what an excellent resource center your college offers. They’ll be impressed that you’ve (presumably) utilized these resources, and marvel at what an excellent education you’re receiving. And hopefully, completely glaze over the part where you still don’t actually have a clue what you’re doing.
Bonus moment: There’s a similar solution to “Not partying too hard, right?” which is the generic “I’m balancing school and fun well” response, which you’ve probably already mastered.
Awkward Moment #3: “What did you do to your hair/nose/skin/etc.?”
College is a time of transformation, and most peoples’ physical appearance changes a lot during their time there. However, if your transformation involves bright hair colors, piercings, tattoos, or cutting off long hair, you’re probably going to get at least a couple of scandalized relatives around the dinner table.
To get a little personal here, before I cut all my hair off a few years ago, I was an anxious, self-conscious wreck, and cutting my hair made me feel about 200 times better about myself. I think an important turning point for me was the Thanksgiving gathering, when one too many old ladies questioned my decision.
Her: “Why’d you cut off your hair? It was so beautiful.”
Me, so the entire party can hear it: “It still is! It’s just f**king shorter! I can’t be beautiful with short hair?”
She was horrified; Dad gave me a high five.
Now I have a sailor mouth, so don’t quote me directly, but nobody’s given me a hard time for my appearance since. But by all means, this is one subject where you definitely should not be afraid to stand up for yourself, especially if whatever you’ve done with your appearance makes you feel more confident.
If you prefer to just take out your piercings, cover your tattoos, and dress conservatively because it’s not worth the exhaustion of judgement, that’s OK too, but don’t be afraid to speak up and say “This is what I want to look like. This is how I feel beautiful.”
Awkward Moment #4: “Do You Have a Boyfriend?”
First off, I know, heteronormativity, but that’s what your relatives are likely to assume if you’re a girl. Secondly, I feel like there’s often no safe answer here.
If you say “No,” either you’ll be told “Oh, well you better hurry, snatch one up while he’s young,” or speculation about your sexuality.
A good “I’m focusing on my schoolwork” is always a safe bet with this one, as is “I’m just not really interested in a relationship at this time,” especially if they start asking about crushes and potential dates. If you’re dating but not in anything serious, it’s OK to say “I’m playing the field a bit, but I’m being very safe and I’m not letting it distract me from what’s important.”
If you say “yes,” the next question is “Is it serious?” and there’s no safe answer to that one either. If you say “Yes,” then you’re rushing into things, and shouldn’t commit yourself to one person in college, when you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. If you say “Not really,” then you’re a skank.
In these situations, as you’ve probably caught onto by now, it’s all about phrasing. So instead of just “Yes,” say “We’re taking things seriously, but we both have goals and aspirations and we’re not going to rush into any commitments we aren’t ready for.”
Instead of “No,” say “We are just enjoying each other’s company right now, and open to whatever happens.”
There’s a lot of subtle, internalized sexism going on in these conversations, and the best way to diffuse them is to speak calmly and in an intelligent, carefully-considered manner. It forces people to take you seriously.
Now, if I could just get my relatives to remember my S.O.’s name…
Awkward Moment #5: “Well if you ask me, Donald Trump…”
Sooner or later, somebody’s going to start having political opinions at the Thanksgiving dinner. Now, a lot of people have a “no politics” rule for family gatherings, and if nobody’s enacted one yet at your family gatherings, it’s worth a shot to try to get one put into place yourself. You can make a little sign on the door, or make an “Opinion Jar” somebody has to put a dollar in every time a political argument starts.
Sometimes it happens with or without a rule. If you’re not actually at the table, you can always politely excuse yourself, but there’s always the chance someone will directly ask you something.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When asked about politics, pretend you’re a candidate and abruptly change the topic in such a way that it seems like you answered.
Bonus: The Gay Cousintm
Family gatherings are hard if you’re LGBTQ+. Honestly, this subject deserves its own article, since a lot of people can’t even go home for this very reason, and it’s a very serious issue. If you are an LGBTQIA+ student who doesn’t have a safe space this holiday, there are resources available to you. GLAAD.org is a good place to start, and there are plenty of other sites that can help you find a place to go for Thanksgiving, counseling after a particularly stressful holiday, or even a dinner with like-minded, accepting people.