You’ve reached a point in your relationship where lights-off missionary in the bedroom is no longer cutting it, so you Google: “How to spice up your sex life” and you get back a list of all the things you and your partner should dabble in with your genitalia.
“Try different positions.” “Cowgirl, perhaps?”
“Keep the lights on. He wants to see every inch of you.”
“Send him mid-day nudes.”
“Take a hot shower together.”
The way I see it, you have to take a shower at some point anyway – might as well mix in some penetration and make it a twofer.
So now that I assume you’re taking my advice and texting your man to start up the water, I shall fill you with shower sex wisdom to ensure your squeaky-clean hump sesh runs smoothly.
Tip 1: Remove your makeup
Unless you’re going for the “emo girl in a super depressing music video” look or some form of involuntary blackface, removing your makeup is major key. Plus, going temporarily blind by way of mascara in the eyes could be a total mood-ruiner. Makeup is a vicious beast that you don’t want anywhere in or around your cornea.
Tip 2: Make sure your roommate who takes super long showers hasn’t used up all the hot water
You know that moment when you’re in the shower all soaped up ready to shave that second leg, and then BOOM the water goes colder than Leo in the last scene of the Titanic when Rose wouldn’t move over to make room for him on the door? Just saying, he could’ve been saved. Door hogs, man… But that’s not the point.
The point is: you need to make sure your water heater is efficient enough to supply hot water for the entire course of intercourse. You don’t want to see his member shrivel up in the cold water and he doesn’t want you to see his member shrivel up in the cold water, so let’s just save everyone the horror and avoid this at all costs.
Tip 3: Clean your shower
You and your man walk into the shower, smiling and flirtatious. You know what’s about to happen. And you’re excited. It’s gonna be some hot steamy – MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THAT? You’ve encountered the hair wad of all hair wads on your shower wall.
A finely crafted collection of all the hairs you’ve lost whilst showering, plastered on the wall. It’s a beautiful thing, really. But, sadly, he won’t find it as breathtaking as you. Think of it as the girl equivalent to leaving the toilet seat up. Don’t get caught with shower-wall hair swirlies.
Tip 4: Don’t accidentally use his member to wash your mouth out with soap.
Say it with me: Soap is friend. Not food.
Lathering your man up with body soap pre-penetration is part of the fun. That’s fine. But just note: if you’re gonna put it (his member) in your mouth post-lather, make sure the coast is clear of all cleansing liquids. Regardless of what the freaks on “My Strange Addiction” say, soap does NOT taste good. They eat cat hair and mattresses for God’s sake – don’t be like them.
Tip 5: Maintain your balance
Imagine your post-shower-sex self: You’re crippled, bruised, unable to walk – and it’s not because his pelvic thrust game is strong – it’s because your attempt at freaking in the shower was a fail and you went belly up wet-noodle style on the bathroom floor.
Look, I know shower sex has all the ingredients for the stealthiest homemade disaster soup – water, soap, slippery tile, and an erect penis – but that’s no reason to shy away. Just concentrate. Be aware of your surroundings. You’re gold medal-winning Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas on the balance beam in that shower and you will NOT go belly up.
Now that you’ve got all the tips you need for optimal super-soaked lovemaking, you’re free to go, Free Willie. You’re welcome.