I wish I’d known for myself how much longer I had to drag myself through never-ending days, spiraling into black nothingness. I could see absolutely nothing from where I was, and I thought this was it, this must be where I should end it. It was all I thought about, almost every day strung into months altogether.
Is what we’re running for really worth all this effort? Why does everyone else seem to handle their life better? Am I the only one not able to even hold onto it? A happy future seems to be a lie woven by fools to be used as a bait.
At some point, I realized that I needed help and went ahead with it. Not knowing what would come out of it, it was a mere leap of faith. But it did help, much to my surprise, talking helped. It had me feel lighter, as I pushed my burdens onto her, I felt like we shared the weight of all that in my head. But soon I had to give this up too, now I was falling all over again.
Only this time, it was worse. Even when I saw what good talking could do, I couldn’t burden other souls with the burden of mine, so I ended up carrying it all by myself again. I was either numb or felt a deep pain in the slightest of moments. The only reason I was still lingering on was because of all the pain it would cause the ones who made me.
It took me a very long time to comprehend that this would never end, that it would keep coming back no matter how much I tried to push it away. This had slowly crawled onto become a part of me. I realized that I could stop in this race if I wanted to, I could take a break and think about nothing and everything would still be fine. I used to think I was a coward to feel this way, but I am not.
The one thing that pulls me down, I work harder against it. Sometimes I don’t have the will to, but that’s fine. Even the slightest movement against it is better than doing nothing. Goals in life do not to be having a great career; it can be as simple as not being able to miss dinner; whatever keeps you sane.
As strange as it might sound, I try to keep my friends away from all of this. So that their positivity can penetrate through the clouds of darkness that I’m surrounded by, and at times this would take a lot of effort, but distancing can do more harm than good. Even if it is just for a little while, I’m swayed by their brighter outlook, and at times it does help brighten up my day.
I still have episodes of anxiety, and still have no idea where I’m headed towards in life, all I know is that it’ll become better all for good. Even though I might have darker times ahead, one day, I’ll be strolling, and this hope keeps me moving.