In a society where sex sells like hot cakes and teen pregnancy is broadcasted on television, it can be kind of hard to be outwardly abstinent. Surprising isn’t it?
Society used to keep sex and all mentions of it strictly in the bedroom and people were expected to wait until marriage to do the dirty deed. However, things are changing and now sex is everywhere. I wouldn’t necessarily say anything is wrong with that because it is a part of the human experience and everyone knows about it.
The problem, however, doesn’t lie within the fact that abstinence is being pressed upon people because it just isn’t anymore (not as much any way). Sure, health classes in school and most religions push for abstaining from sex but as someone who is and always has been abstaining from sex until marriage, I can honestly say that I have experienced every response to my personal choice.
I am not ashamed of my choice and I never have been. At first, I chose to be abstinent because of my religious upbringing and I expected that of everyone else too. However, as time went on and I hit high school, I realized that my demographic was quickly shrinking. It was after my best friend had sex for the first time that I realized that it is just a natural thing that people have every right to do whenever and however they choose. It’s THEIR body, and it doesn’t affect me whatsoever. I stopped judging people for it and would even ask questions and listen to the crazy sex stories my friends had to offer. Some made me laugh, some made me nostalgic for something I haven’t had, and some downright horrified me (a friend of mine had a guy accidently pee in her mouth once…I’ve been scarred ever since).
As I grew older, things got harder. Not everyone was as understanding as they used to be. My “do whatever you want” view of sex for others was not always kindly returned and sometimes in the worst of ways:
I’ve had people tell me “abstinence is stupid”, that I am “making a dumb choice” or that I should “just get it over with” because I’ll regret it. They didn’t understand that it was something I wanted to save for the right man that I would be with for the rest of my life. It wouldn’t matter to me if he was a virgin too or not because it was a choice that I had made for myself.
People would also automatically assume that I was judging them for their promiscuity and become very defensive but that wasn’t the case. When I was younger, yes, I didn’t think it wasn’t right because that was what the church had taught me. But as I grew older, I didn’t give a shit if a girl had sex with a different guy every night. So after being bombarded with accusatory claims that I must think I’m all “high and mighty”, I began prefacing the topic with how I don’t judge people on their sex life. This would get exhausting, especially when my words fell on deaf ears, hell bent on being angry with me.
One of the worst things about being outspoken about my abstinence was the various times guys would date me or show interest for the sole purpose of trying to be the one that “got my V-card”. Not only was it embarrassing but it was also extremely hurtful to find out that the third guy I’ve intimately talked to for three weeks gave up because “it was taking too long”. I’m sure there wasn’t a stat board in the boy’s locker room of guys who were trying to “win” but three is far too many. It wasn’t as if they were just trying to have sex for the sake of sex. They told people that the ony reason they attempted in the first place was because I was nice and they wanted to be the one that could say they did it.
Then came my first long-term relationship. He was kind, loving and supportive of my decision. He never asked me to have sex, never pressured me into doing anything I didn’t feel comfortable with, and did everything he could to make me happy. But, as time went on things became difficult. He wanted more of what we had already been doing and was visibly annoyed when I said I still haven’t changed my mind about sex. After various other relationship problems, he broke up with me and had sex with a girl I knew the same night.
As pants were dropping like flies, I became less sure of my decision and constantly felt pressured to give up something I was hell bent on keeping until marriage. But then I realized something. I don’t have to give a shit about what people think of my decision to not have sex. It isn’t stupid, irrational or embarrassing just like having sex isn’t. My choice is just that: MINE. It doesn’t effect anyone else and I couldn’t be happier that I didn’t sleep with my ex who didn’t have a loyal bone in his body, the guys who just wanted a trophy, or some guy at a party. I’m happy with the fact that I have stayed true to what I want for myself regardless of how others made me feel about it. I’m proud to say that I have never given in to the pressures of the people around me.
Who knows? Maybe one day I may decide to have sex before marriage. I don’t plan on it, but it is a possibility like most things in life. If that happens, I’ll be okay and it won’t change anything because it doesn’t affect anyone else but me.
If you’re abstaining until marriage, for the right person or just until the next party, so be it! Do what you want with your body and don’t let anyone else make you feel as though it’s not okay.