To the boy I cannot seem to shake,
I have always been guarded and one to protect my heart by surrounding it by layers upon layers of cement walls 20 feet high. Letting people in has never been my strongest feature, every time that I have fully allowed people in my life, they have shown me why I shouldn’t have in the first place. And than you came along….
I knew from the moment that I met you that you were going to be trouble. Remember the time that you confidently came up to me at the bar, pushed that other guy away and you smirked that pearly white smile at me and offered to buy me a drink? That was when I knew I was going to like you. The way you grabbed my hand and just started dancing all goofy with me to some silly song the band was playing. The days from there never felt real, the connection that I had with you was like nothing I have ever felt with anyone before. You were the first thing that I fully let in and allowed to see me for me, you never gave me any reasons to doubt you or to not let you in. To me, you were a best friend. You never once allowed me to be “fine” because you always knew that I wasn’t. You sat me down in front of you and wouldn’t let us leave to go out until I let it out, because you always told me how you were there to listen and be there for me, I just had to let you in. I was always promised that you would never leave, you were famous for making promises like that. I guess I was so blinded by the words and the feelings that your presence gave me that, that was what I was always holding onto so tightly. You smiled at me with the most sincere and genuinely happy smile, that showed and shined through your eyeballs. You made me feel some type-of way that I never knew I even had in me.
You left my life just as quickly as you came into my life. You and I started as quick and abrupt as we ended. You chased me for so long until I finally gave in, I never wanted to be yours from the start and then once I gave in, I was hooked. Similarly, once I had you I didn’t want to loose you, and once you had me you didn’t want me anymore. The games were endless and they never ended. But the biggest game of all was when you told me that you still had a girlfriend, but fell for me. I should have went running right then and there but your words were like a drug to me. I needed them, I believed in them, they made me feel okay again. The same thing that was breaking me was the same thing that was re-paring me. We would go through periods where we wouldn’t talk and than would again, nothing makes sense.
For all the times that you made me feel like second best, and all the insecurities that you brought out in me that I never knew I even had. I finally have realized my self worth. Here we are two years later, you still want to have me in your life while you’re dating her. For me, enough is enough. You have your girlfriend but you still have fallen for me. I am no longer putting up with the feeling of being second best.
For the first time in a long time, it is time to protect my heart from your damage and walk away from someone who I never really could call mine in the first place.
Sincerely,
The girl who finally believes she comes first.