Wrong Side of the Bed

The following events are based on a friend’s experiences. To protect her identity, we will refer to her as “HER.”

So, you wake up in a guy’s bed after spending the night for the first time. You have this incredibly urge to pee, but you don’t want to get up and wake him or walk by his roommates… Tough situation we’ve got here. It’s now gotten to the point where you can no longer hold it in, and you certainly don’t want to get a UTI, so you build up the courage to crawl over this sleeping beast without waking him. You grab your jeans off the floor and hope the sleeping beast does not wake. Luckily, you’re a sly ninja so you manage to walk out of the room quietly, and dart to the bathroom. Of course, now there’s no toilet paper, and you must do the “shimmy and shake.” The bottle of hand soap is empty, go figure, so you check the shower, and there’s nothing but Axe body wash, but I guess that will just have to do for the time-being. Guess you have to use the shower curtain to dry off your now manly-scented hands since there are no towels in sight, and if you did stumble upon one, the chances are it has not been washed in weeks... Swish some tooth-paste around in your mouth, wipe your eye makeup so it does not look like you are a total train wreck, take a deep breath, and rehearse the awkward good-bye you’ll be giving the sleeping beast. Crap, you hear footsteps. Oh, please no, I hope this isn’t his roommate. And what if he tries to open the door and I awkwardly have to say “um, someone’s in here,” but luckily you heard the door shut. Now is the time to make your move, woman. You tip-toe back to his room, tap his shoulder, and say “hey, I’m leaving I have work,” or whatever excuse you choose to use so you can go home and tell your friends about your eventful night. He responds, with sleepy eyes, “Oh okay, um, I’ll see you later, text me or something.” Phew. The hardest part is over. But c’mon, no kiss? No walk to the door? Splendid. Now time to do my “walk of shame” and pray I don’t see anyone I know.

(Photo by Imani Clovis)

Sound familiar? If not, I hope this entertaining story inspired by a friend will give you a few good laughs or relatable moments, cause, c’mon now, it happens to the best of us. (BTW, never feel ashamed, or pressured into doing anything with a guy. If you feel any way at all pressured, call a friend, an Uber, etc.…, but only yes means yes. Otherwise, have fun, and do not let society ‘slut shame’ you into thinking what you are doing is wrong or shameful. You own your body, just be safe with it. 😊