FADE IN:
It’s early morning, sunlight coming in through the window.
CAT sits with an open notebook and a cup of coffee.
CAT
So, wanna answer some questions for me?
ED, a junior Political Science major, Religious Studies minor, comes over and sits down nearby, holding his own cup of freshly made coffee.
ED
Sure, I guess. What do you want to know?
CAT
Well, let’s see. Number one. If I take a look inside your refrigerator what would I find? And please say something internet appropriate.
ED
[laughs]
Mountain Dew. What else?
CAT
Okay. Number Two. If you were a t-shirt, what would your caption be?
ED
Oh jeez. That’s hard. I dunno. What’s the next one?
CAT
[laughing]
They’re not going to get easier you know. The next one is: Where would you go if you had a time machine?
ED
Hm. I think that first I’d go to the Roaring Twenties. That’s what that era was called, right? I’d go to there for a couple years, maybe five, and enjoy all the parties and such before the Depression hits. Then I’d go back even farther and become a Mountain man, living in the outdoors, leading people out west, killing grizzly bears, and other awesome stuff.
CAT
Alright, cool. So, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
ED
[sits up excitedly]
Ooh, I did this for a statistics class once in high school! I actually got a bag of lollipops and gave them to people and asked them to tell me how many licks it took, not to finish but to get to the tastiness in the middle. The average was about 78 I think.
CAT
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
ED
Only one? I’d want to have a combo power really. But I think I’d want either to stop time or to teleport. Both if I can, because that would be awesome. I could do anything. So one of those two.
CAT
What are you most attracted to in a person?
ED
What am I most attracted to?
CAT
Yeah, not even like in a significant other, but just in people. What makes someone stand out to you?
ED
I like uniqueness. I want to be interested, see new things. Anything new to me, anything real, that’s what catches my eye.
CAT
Okay. What was the last song you played for yourself?
ED
“Poetic Justice” by Kendrick Lamar.
CAT
[laughs]
You’re going to have to spell that for me.
ED
K-E-N-D-R-I-C-K L-A-M-A-R
CAT
Number eight. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be and why?
ED
[answers quickly and assuredly]
President of the United States.
CAT
Fair enough.
ED
I have ideas that I think would benefit people, help them. And because of the way I’ve grown up, I think I know more about real people than most politicians.
CAT
If you won the lottery, what would you do?
ED
[laughs]
Well that depends. Which lottery? Cause there’s a difference between a Pennsylvanian lottery and like, the Powerball.
I think I would do my best to help my parents to pay off debts and stuff, and set up my little brother for school. After that, after all the expenses, whatever’s left I would put half into the bank as savings and the other half I would spend on stuff like good suits, a new tobacco pipe, and a new laptop.
CAT
Alright. And last one. If you were on a deserted island, which three things would you have to have with you?
ED
Well, a knife, to start. For the second thing, the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe I guess, so I have something to do and don’t go crazy, which is such an interesting concept, Edgar Allen Poe and not going insane.
CAT
[smiles]
What, you don’t have those memorized yet?
ED
No, but if I’m stuck on a deserted island I figure I might as well get on it. Um… so I have a knife to make stuff, Edgar Allen Poe, and I guess… my tobacco pipe. Tobacco grows well in hot, tropical environments, and that’s probably where I’d be, so I guess I’d start a tobacco farm.
CAT
Cool.
ED
So, if I were a t-shirt, what would my caption be, was that the question?
CAT
Yep. What do you think?
ED
Hmm. I think “Confidence is key.” Hope I don’t come off as arrogant though.
CAT
Don’t worry. You won’t, as long as I write the article correctly.
[teases ED]
You know, you should be extra nice to me for a couple of days now. I’m writing an article about you on the internet.
ED
[laughs]
Yeah, really.