In case you haven’t noticed, it’s fall. If you haven’t noticed, where have you been? There’s leggings, pumpkins and lattes EVERYWHERE.
If you have noticed, you might have been seeing the obvious, pretty aspects of the season, like crunchy, orange leaves falling, fall decorations outside homes and apartments, and the return of sweaters and tall boots. Alternatively, you’ve felt a crisp autumn breeze, smelled the scent of a comforting seasonal candle or sipped a warm, spicy beverage. These are all the glamorous parts of fall, the things people love to showcase in their social media accounts or sprinkle into their small talk this time of year.
This is not what I’m here to talk about. Today, I’m getting real. Forget Fergie, because it’s about to get unglamorous up in here. Here are the not so aesthetic parts of fall you may or may not have noticed this year.
Yep, this is how real I’m getting. Guys flaunt their facial hair in Movember or No-Shave November. Girls (if you’re like me) have No-Shave Two Whole Seasons, because we’ve said goodbye to shorts. In doing so, we say goodbye to our razors and goodbye to one seemingly innocuous restraint of the patriarchy. Body hair for all! Like small forest animals, we grow out our winter coats in the fall in preparation for hibernation.
Continuing this strange hibernation metaphor I started and apparently can’t stop now, we, like many other mammals, pack on the pounds to keep our bodies warm during the cold winter months ahead. Maybe it’s because of the Halloween candy, maybe it’s the Thanksgiving Day Feast, or maybe it’s just because the cold weather makes it that much harder to convince yourself to go to the gym. If you’re like me, it’s all three. Fall means the number on the scale goes back up again. But who cares? Put on a bulky sweater and call it a day.
Returning to the pale.
Unless you’re a lovely lady blessed with melanin, the return of the fall months means losing your summer tan. You can all it alabaster, porcelain or fair, but those are all just nice ways of saying pasty, pasty vitamin D deficiency. Maybe you can rock a contrast with a dark lip? Maybe you can get a spray tan? But if we’re being honest, those of us who aren’t beauty gurus will resign ourselves to continuing to search for synonyms for white. Very white.
The shortening of the day also means the shortening of my day. That’s right. If the sun is going down at 5, so am I. PJs on, in bed, I’m done for the day. How am I supposed to get any work done if the sun’s lazy butt has already gone to sleep? I need sunlight to thrive, people – which brings me to something a little more serious. If you consistently feel depressed, but usually only during the fall and winter seasons, look into something called seasonal affective disorder. If that sounds like something you might be concerned about, talk to a therapist, y’all. Just because I’m giving you an excuse to be lazy doesn’t mean you also have to feel sad.
TL,DR: Not everything in fall is pumpkin patches and apple cider. Ladies, the world has so many high expectations for us. I’m sharing my fall realities in a public space so you feel free to openly live yours. So you go, Glen Coco. Go drink your PSL and then pass out on the couch at 6. You’re in good company.