Sex and Communication

Yup. None of you asked for this but I know you’re intrigued. I’ll be up front though, this is only a realistic “how to” guide for those of you in a relationship or hooking up consistently with the same person. Not to say there’s anything wrong with a one-night stand, I get it – jäger bombs happen. The hockey boys that frequent Frank and Steins are a dangerous breed. As long as you’re safe and comfortable in what you’re doing, keep doing it. However, shitty, awkward drunken hookups are a stereotype for a reason. So, although I am writing from a heterosexual CIS woman’s perspective, these tips for enhancing your sexual relationships and experiences will likely be applicable to any situation.

 

As we get older, its very easy to fall into a rut with your partner or become sexually out of sync altogether. It’s normal! It happens to everyone! Don’t feel guilty! We often take on the burden of our partner’s and our own level of satisfaction, when rarely do people find someone with an exactly compatible sex drive. Everyone handles life differently, and that can have an effect on libido. Even certain medications can affect one’s sex drive. It’s perfectly normal. And you should never feel ashamed or at fault if you and your partner experience a spell like this.

As an aside: If you’re with someone that manipulates you, or makes you feel guilty or ashamed about the sexual relationship that you share … get out of there.

 

BE OPEN + HONEST

 

First things first, to broaden you and your partner’s horizons, you’re going to need to be open. This is someone you’re intimate with, there is no reason to be embarrassed or shy about the topic. Sex can be something so rewarding and satisfying. Honestly, if you’re half-assing, or checking out during the sex you’re having, here’s your tough love wake up call that things need to change.

  • Start a conversation (even texting is okay!!)
    • What do you feel like tonight?
    • How do you want it?
    • Tell me one of your fantasies
    • What do you find hot?/ What really turns you on?
    • Let’s try something different tonight
    • Or if you’re really comfortable getting into it: “Things feel off lately, what can we do/what should we try to get back on track?”

 

It seems obvious, but by starting a conversation about it in this manner, you’re opening a communication line in a healthy way. It proposes growing and exploring and solving the problem together. Not placing the shortcomings or blame on one person. Once the initial ice is broken, you will both feel increasingly more comfortable to freely discuss your sexual preferences with one another. Being open and honest about what you both want in bed will only serve to benefit you and your partner.

 

TALK + BE SPECIFIC

 

This will literally give you the greatest return on your investment, so to speak. Dirty talk during foreplay and sex can be purposeful while still being sexy.

 

  • I want you to _____
  • Yeah, right there
  • More
  • Don’t stop
  • Other positive affirmations or suggestions

 

This isn’t one sided either. Asking questions while pleasing your partner, (and getting them to do the same) is an excellent way to make sure both of you are getting the most from the experience.

 

  • How about _____?
  • Like that? / Do you like that?
  • Here?
  • How do you want it?

 

I’m not suggesting you spark a whole conversation while trying to get it on or try to win an Oscar with your performance. But being aware and communicative during sex is beneficial. Moans or other positive affirmations can also be great indicators for your partner, and vice versa. 

 

Your partner isn't a mind reader, so there is no need to let your nerves get the best of you if you want to bring the topic up. The ball is in your court. I promise if you're willing to communicate openly with your partner and implement some of these tips, you will both see results!