Dear Ex,
As Valentine’s Day is approaching, this is the first time in three years when we have not been dating or when I have not wished that we were. It is crazy for me to think that a year ago, I dropped everything to visit you on this day, only for us to have one of the worst fights of our relationship. That weekend really challenged me to think deeper about our relationship and to come to terms with the fact that we were better apart.
I always felt so much guilt in our relationship because I was not the lovey dovey mushy one, because I was not as affectionate as you wanted me to be. The countless times that you doubted my love and doubted my commitment to our relationship broke my heart. I did love you and even when I told you that, for some reason, you never believed me. After more than a year and a half into our relationship, we were scrolling through my camera roll, looking back at old photos and videos, when you told me that you never realized how much I cared until you saw the amount of pictures of us I had on my phone. The fact that you equated my love for you in terms of the number of pictures I had really blew my mind; why not just believe me when I said that I love you? Or better yet, look at all of the sacrifices I made in our relationship, including dropping everything and driving for four hours on the weekend to see you on numerous occasions; letting you leave me by myself for hours on a strange college campus so you could go party with your friends; enduring the disrespect and objectification of me by your friends; spending hundreds of dollars on a trip that you constantly pressured me to go on; and, the most devastating sacrifice to me was that I willingly continued in a relationship where you never trusted me. You would constantly tell me about all these girls that were interested in you, but that I should not worry, that you would never do anything with them. Meanwhile I casually mention that I talked to a guy and you lose your temper saying that “I thought you had morals, or at least respect.”
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I remember you asking me one time, “what is most important for you in a relationship?” I responded that I wanted someone who would challenge me, someone who would recognize that I pushed them to be the best version of themselves and would reciprocate that drive and challenge to me. I flipped the same question back to you and you replied with, “someone who is reliable.” You then said I was reliable and dependable, and not to mention, you had previously said I would be a good mom and a lot of your friends thought I was very career focused. I sat with that response for a minute and reflected on my answer and yours. I understand that reliability is so important in a relationship and I definitely want someone who is there for me and knows I am there for them; but, what puzzled me was how you had questioned my trust for so long but had just explained that it was the most important part of a relationship. At this point, quarantine was at its highest peak, and we had not seen each other in a month. Things had been brewing between us for a while, especially since Valentine’s Day weekend, and something needed to be done.
What really shocks me though is that even after our break up, you never recognized the true reason as to why we broke up. Your claim that we did not spend as much time with other people just confirmed to me that you were projecting our faults onto others. We never constructively worked through conflict and this was always exacerbated when you said that you could not explain what was bothering you, you just knew something was. I knew in my core that you had the ability to articulate what you were thinking and what you were feeling, but that something was holding you back and it was something that you needed to work out on your own.
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Do not get me wrong, there were countless moments when I said or did things that I should not have done and handled situations horribly. This letter is not to blame one person for the end of our relationship, it is to recognize that at the end of the day, we both needed to focus our energy on ourselves, separately. We had some really special moments together that I will always look back on fondly, and I hope you can do the same. I have grown so much in this past year and have never been happier with who I am. I appreciated when you reached out to me and apologized for using me as your source of energy and expecting me to be your source of happiness for your own internal battles. Our relationship was a true learning experience for me and I hope you learned from it as well. I wish you a lifelong journey of personal growth and happiness.
xoxo