We have all fallen in love before, and if you haven’t, you better brace yourself for impact now because it’s coming. There’s always been that one prominent point in our lives where we thought we found “the one” and were head over heels for them because we thought they were our soulmate. But instead, you find out that it was all a lie. Disappointedly, they were nothing but a figure of important existence in your life, and then you become immediately embarrassed because you let yourself be so vulnerable for this person.
Right now that is me, and I am going through what you call “relationship grief.”
I’ve experienced heartbreak before, but never this way because the people I thought from my past who had taught me so much, really weren’t as valuable as my last lover, who I will say, is the person I actually first fell in love with. I was numb in the beginning even though I was actually the person who broke it off. But after I got back to campus and visibly saw this person around, while also trying to keep myself busy from thinking about the situation, I didn’t realize I was honestly broken.
Day #1
The first day of grief was confusing. I woke up feeling strange not even taking into account the situation about us. I just had this strange feeling that lingered around with me until I finally broke down. It was tough. The tears came from nowhere and the next thing I know I was having a panic attack just thinking about the fact that we were over and that it would never be the same. My heart had shattered into pieces, and that day on to the next morning I cried about six times until I couldn’t anymore.
Day #2
On this day, I couldn’t fathom it. My mind and heart wanted me to reach out and get what was on my mind off of it. I angrily gathered everything he had ever given me in a bag so that he could pick it up eventually. I was mad. And each time I thought about everything, I got sick to my stomach. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t stop crying. Getting closure was the only thing on my mind, and surprisingly it did nothing. When I reached out, I could tell he was broken, but not as bad as I was because he knew that we needed this time apart. We talked for the rest of the day about him and his life, but it still did nothing.
Day #3
As we communicated on the next day, the distance was still there. I got triggered by everything that had to deal with love and relationships and that same lingering feeling stayed around until I got home from work and class. I talked to my sister because the only time I let her into my love life is when I’m going through a crisis, and of course, that conversation also ended in tears. I texted him again ready to end it all, and I did, which resulted in me blocking him from phone so that I didn’t see the response. I cried myself to sleep yet once again, but I knew this time I was ready to let go.
Day #4 – Day #7
Crazy enough, my phone and my computer did not sync that same night, so when I opened my laptop in my 10:30am lecture, and the message was there staring me dead in the face. He wanted us to be friends and talk through the issues we were facing as he faced his own problems through therapy, but I was still unsure what to do. I gave him an ultimatum about our friendship, setting strict boundaries so that we could stick to them word for word. I began to feel a little better but still that feeling lingered along. I wasn’t sure what the future held, but I couldn’t grieve myself anymore thinking about the unknown. We constantly communicated, but we avoided the topic of us.
Day #8
As we talked more and more, I began to miss him. The absence of his presence bothered me to the point where I asked him to hang out. I didn’t know why I needed to see him, but my heart wanted the closure I thought I had stopped looking for. He agreed, and I anticipated the visit until it was time for me to head out. When I arrived, I was greeted with warm hugs to my surprise. He couldn’t stop hugging me and staring at me during the visit, and in my mind, I was still confused. I just went along with the flow until things really got awkward, and of course, one thing lead to another and I left yet again in confusion trying to figure what would happen next.
Day #9
We tried to avoid the previous night until we could the next day. I actually left an item over at his place that he returned the next morning. I was so numb that I didn’t know how to even begin the conversation. When he returned the item, we met in awkward conversation, followed by again another hug that I wasn’t sure meant anything. Later that day, I finally addressed the elephant in the room. I redirected the conversation to our set boundaries and he agreed that the result of the previous night was something that went against what we set forth. There I began to feel better. I believe I had gotten the closure I was looking for and now I had to figure out my next move.
Current Moment
As of now, I still feel as if I got the closure I needed. We still communicate, but at a very minimal level. I had to realize that it is time to move on and I have to let time do its thing. I can’t be hopeful for a brighter future, but all I know is that in the end, I got my friend back most importantly. There are going to be days where I’m going to miss him and us, but I have let my emotions run its course until it the days get better. I’ll get through this one day at a time.
Relationship grief is something I thought I’d never experience so intensively, but it has taught me so much about myself. I have to let myself feel and cry when it’s time, and it’s perfectly okay to break down.
Time will work its magic for sure and I just have to be open to embracing it.