It’s 2017. Well, it almost is. The concept that New Year’s festivities are not complete without a boy to kiss at midnight is absolutely absurd. Moments before the ball drops people desperately search for the closest body near them to satisfy the societal expectation of a midnight kiss. Unless the night is spent with a significant other, a midnight kiss often leads to settling for an awkward drunken kiss with a stranger.
But ladies, it’s 2017, and we have come too far to settle for someone in order to feel complete. There has to be a better option right? Here are 27 alternative options I would choose to kiss at midnight this year instead of settling for a mediocre member of the male species.
1. A dog
If you find a man cuter than this dog, let me know.
2. A cat
Even when they hiss, they are friendlier than most men.
3. Basically any pet/animal within a 15-foot radius
I’m not picky. I heard raccoons come out late at night.
4. A bottle of champagne
Alcohol gives you that warm fuzzy feeling that guys just can’t.
5. That part of the carpet under my bed that the vacuum can’t quite reach
There’s probably less crumby than most bearded men.
6. Underneath a desk of a high school classroom
At least you can see what it has been through in the past.
7. All my college rejection letters
If I want to feel rejection, I don’t need to find a man to do so.
8. My second grade report card that told me my handwriting was “unsatisfactory”
This way I have documentation of my insignificant flaws rather than someone pointing them out for me.
9. My seventh grade science fair project
If I want to put an excessive amount of effort into something that has no positive outcome, I don’t need a relationship.
10. The hottest Kidz Bop album to drop in 2016
It’s smoother than some of the guys that have hit on me.
11. 33,000 incriminating deleted emails
Yet still more truthful than my ex.
12. The wall that Mexico is supposedly going to pay for
There is as much logic and common sense in most guys I know.
13. A second generation iPod nano
At least I am prepared for disappointment.
14. That creepy Teddy Bear from Toy Story 3
There are creepier douchebags out in the real world.
15. Fire
I don’t need a hotheaded man when I can touch 900 degrees of heat!
16. Ice
I can feel the coldness of a guy’s heart in a whole new form!
17. The dress I wanted to buy for NYE before I looked at the price tag
The only heartbreak I need this year is from looking at my bank account.
18. My college tuition bill
A subtle reminder that all my money is invested in my bachelors degree, not a Mrs. degree.
19. Breakfast from Taco Bell
At least my regret will last only a few hours.
20. A physical manifestation of my childhood fear of losing my mom in the grocery store
That was enough lack of security I need in a lifetime.
21. A used tissue
If I want a disease I can just get it this way.
22. A copy of an Adam Sandler comedy
Somehow it’s still more mature than most guys my age.
23. My high school gym uniform
It provides all the physical insecurities of the dating scene.
24. College dining hall food
I would rather feel a lifetime’s worth of disappointment through my on campus meal plan.
25. Any picture taken of myself between the fifth and tenth grade
At least I know it will always have my parent’s love and approval.
26. My dirty gym socks from that one time I went to the gym
So I can acquire the scent of a sweaty man without the man.
27. A collection of all the tears I shed in 2016
This year provided more emotional instability than any guy ever could.
So whether you are single or in a relationship, expecting a kiss at midnight or not, make sure you celebrate the start of 2017 surrounded by loved ones and making memories that last for years to come. Who knows, maybe that awkward drunken kiss with a stranger can turn into a long lasting relationship? (But let’s be real, probably not.)