College, especially freshman year, is a time to find yourself and a place on campus. I can say with complete certainty that I’m not the same person who came to Furman last fall. I’ve changed in so many ways, and I’ve fallen in love with the students, organizations, and southern vibes.
On the flip side, my time at Furman has been a time for me to explore myself in ways I never thought possible. My mental health journey has been one for the books and nearing the midpoint of spring semester, I wanted to recap my journey of self-knowledge and respect.
Entering college, I was the kind of girl who would be an overachiever in class while trying to be as involved on campus as possible, from organizations to my own social life. This was fun but I felt unfulfilled being in a pandemic. I’m a big extrovert, and before COVID I would do anything to make it to concerts and sports events whenever possible.
During the break, I had a lot of time to reflect on the fall semester and where I wanted to go. But when I got back, I realized that I had settled into an unhealthy pattern of self-gaslighting.
I have a heavy history and in turn, I tend to be my own worst critic. I’ve come to note that I tend to invalidate past traumas and to hold myself to the highest standards, even to the point of inner slut-shaming.
It’s never extended beyond me, thank goodness. I’ve never been one to judge others. But it took one of my close friends telling me that I was the only one judging myself to such an extent for me to realize that I needed to work on my thought patterns.
Secondly, I also settled into an unhealthy routine of finding a guy and spending more time with him than I would take care of myself, whether that be academically or my mental health.
I’ve been able to grow in grace for myself through the incredible support system that is my sorority. I remember that once I got my bid, I had a week of extreme anxiety and imposter syndrome… I didn’t feel worthy or good enough. But then I realized that my sisters were all human, all had good and bad days, and once I fully settled in and got to know these incredible women I get to call my sisters, I felt so supported and loved.
It took this love and this positive environment for me to realize that I am deserving of love, kindness, patience, and respect. Not only from others but from myself.
I’ve become so happy in my friendships and sorority. But the biggest impact so far has been progressing my self-respect. I’ve started prioritizing school work, working out and self-care nights. I intuitively eat. And if I want to take a day off with my friends to go hiking, I do it.
First and foremost, you owe yourself your best. But you also deserve grace. I have a long way to go here at Furman. But I haven’t been disappointed yet. Here’s to the journey and the days to come.