We all have that one friend that keeps getting back together with their obviously toxic partner or friend, but why do they do that? I used to be that friend. Everyone told me to sever ties with someone I dated in high school, but I refused to listen. I always thought they would change, adapt, and learn from mistakes. I was dead wrong about that, but for some reason, I didn’t see it. Red flags are often so obvious, yet we miss them, as they’re often hiding in plain sight. We get so caught up in the whirlwind of romance or friendship that we don’t catch what’s wrong with that person, even if it’s right in front of us. Even with the obvious red flags, there are also subtle ones that lie beneath the surface of their personality and they don’t always appear for us to make note of. I want to share a story about when I fell into the trap of ignoring the warning signs, as well as the tips and trademarks I later learned to identify and avoid them in the future.
I was in high school when I started dating someone who I had a major crush on. The feeling was mutual, and we rapidly entered a romantic and sexual relationship. By rapidly, I mean rapidly. We moved so fast despite it being my first real relationship, which I realized later was a red flag itself. Most of the milestones a relationship has were hit within a month or two of us dating. I was so sure I was in love with them, so I ignored the fact that we were moving so fast. We said our first “I love you” after a month of dating, which I now realize wasn’t true. We were just in love with the idea of each other and the idea of a relationship. This rapidly moving relationship fueled resentment and toxicity. The negativity brewed until the toxicity became a shared issue that was feeding back and forth between us. The way I was treated turned me into someone I’m not proud of. I should’ve seen the issues right in front of me, but love can be blinding, as we ignore the things we don’t want to see. Ignorance is truly bliss in this sense.
Two months into dating, the relationship became sexual, which at the time I was comfortable with, but soon after, our relationship became devoid of any real emotional connection and became purely sexual. My body became a vessel for their pleasure, and I was in no position to stop it. I wondered if they wanted me anymore for anything other than sex. I started feeling empty and used, and would sometimes voice my concern, but was pushed back into silence by harsh words and gaslighting. My clinical anxiety and other general concerns were dismissed as me being “crazy” or “annoying”. Gaslighting is a major red flag in which a partner or friend will convince and manipulate their victim into thinking that they’re making up their feelings, and in more severe cases, question their own sanity. If someone ever makes you question whether your feelings are valid, that is a good enough reason to cut them off. No one should have the power to manipulate you. Gaslighting is often the hardest red flag to identify because we never want to admit that someone we love and who we think loves us would want to break us down like that. In reality, it’s the easiest red flag for third party people to spot. Friends and family are often the first people to recognize when gaslighting, manipulation, and abuse is taking place. I should have 100 percent listened to my friends and parents when they came to me concerned because I was constantly in distress over how they made me feel. I was always questioning my own sanity and whether my anxiety was making stuff up. If someone speculates this, it’s best to listen to them because they are not blinded by “love” the way you may be. I know I certainly was.
Courtesy: Unsplash
Other red flags that cropped up even at the beginning of the relationship was neglect of communication of sexual health. I was given mononucleosis, commonly referred to as “mono,” in the first two months of dating. I was not told they were a carrier of that illness, despite it being commonly transmitted between sexually and romantically involved parties. Knowing that bit of information would have saved me three months of wondering what disease I had lingering in my body. I was bed-ridden for a good month of the summer and felt miserable the whole time. Only after my symptoms became obvious did they disclose the information that she carries mono. It is imperative that you and your partners share your sexual health with each other. Neglecting to inform the other party is physically and emotionally dangerous to both of you. Thus, it is crucial that after every sexual encounter you have with someone, you get tested!
Red flags don’t just apply to sexual and romantic relationships, but also to friendships just as much. While neglect of sexual health may not apply to friendships as much, gaslighting, lying, avoiding them without disclosure, using them and many other warning signs are very much applicable to all types of relationships. For example, friends who only talk to you when they need something from you are walking red flags. These are friends who only text you when they need the homework answers, food or a shoulder to cry on when they’re upset, but are suddenly “busy” when you have an issue. Keep an eye out for so-called friends who always rely on you but are absent when you need a favor returned.
Another major red flag to look out for is someone who tries to isolate you from other aspects and people in your life. These people have parasitic tendencies and will do anything to keep you from doing anything that doesn’t include them. This includes someone telling you to cut off your friends (without explanation), that you can’t go to parties, you’re not allowed to do a certain sport or that you can’t wear certain outfits. A friend or partner is not your parent and shouldn’t have such a wide range of control over you. You are autonomous and can make decisions for yourself.
We tend to ignore these warning signs because we want to believe that the people we surround ourselves with are good and that they love us, and that the people who love us would never want to hurt us. What I’ve learned after my previous toxic relationship and friendships is that love is not supposed to make us feel fear, sadness, anger or worry. While love isn’t always easy, we should never feel degraded or violated, which is exactly how these red flags make us end up feeling. Just by recognizing these traits as issues and warning signs, it becomes easier to cut them off. If I had known sooner that what I was experiencing was gaslighting, I would’ve identified it and ended the relationship then and there. We deserve to feel real love that adds goodness to our lives, not something that takes it away. Enrich your life by spending time with people who genuinely make you feel good.
If you feel like you are in an abusive situation or relationship, use these resources and reach out for help.
1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs: National Advocacy for Local LGBTQH Communities (212) 714-1141
Loveisrespect call: (866) 331-9474 Chat online: www.loveisrespect.org Text: loveis to 22522
Local shelters and/or therapists in your area.
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